On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter July 28, 2017
Part 1 - Three widowers and a soon-to-be divorced man comment on senior dating after 60, 70, 80 and 90
A woman walked up to me at the San Juan Capistrano (California) Costco last week and said: “I read your dating columns. Why don’t you write more about single men?”
I said, “Because I don’t hear much from men.” And wouldn’t you know it? When I got home, there were emails from four men, aged 62, 77, 81, and 91.
Dr. John, 62, soon-to-be divorced, wrote me after reading last week’s On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter, in which I quoted snippets of an email from a woman in North Carolina named Lynne. One of her quotes: “Very few men talk about women in positive ways.”
In Lynne’s defense, she also said other things about her previous relationships and later explained to me in a follow up email why her most recent relationship of 20 years did not result in marriage.
In an email, Dr. John explained what he calls “victim mentality.” His theory is quite interesting and I intend to write more about it later. He added, “Lynne is doing EXACTLY what she feels men do—talking badly about the opposite sex. I strongly suspect her negative view of men is not helping her find a suitable partner.”
Tom’s comment: Often, male readers of my columns don’t comment unless they read something that irks them. Such is the case with Dr. John. Whenever he emails me, it’s often the result of a woman making a comment that he categorizes as “victim mentality.” It's kind of a woe-is-me attitude. More on that in a future article.
John, 77, a widower, emailed, “I live in Sacramento and have been widowed twice (18-year marriage and 23-year marriage). After my last wife’s funeral, my son asked if I ever thought about moving back to southern Orange County. My plan is to move by July, 2018.
“I’m very active as a volunteer with Habitat for Humanity in Sacramento and would like to continue that with the Orange County Habitat for Humanity.
“I’ve done some senior online dating, but it hasn’t been satisfying. It’s probably too soon as my wife is still very much in my head and heart, so I will give it another year or so before I try dating.”
Tom: Some widowers don’t understand they need to grieve and heal before joining the dating world. John tried it, but discovered it was too soon for him. Wise man. He’ll know when he’d ready but it’s not today. Maybe, by the time he moves to South Orange County, he’ll be ready to meet one of our lovely women down here. John and I are meeting for coffee today.
Dave, 81, Michigan, also a widower, wrote, “I have a quandary. I am on two dating sites, have listed my real age of 81. The ladies who respond are usually my age…and with no disrespect, but they are my age. My cardiac surgeon calls me his 65-year-old, 81-year-old. I’m blessed with my mother’s genes.
“Several online dating sites advised me to adjust my age, then communicate my true age up front when there is a connection. Yup, I have a quandary.”
Tom’s comment: Wow, it is usually the women who fret over revealing their actual age, not a guy 81. In Dave’s case, hey, he’s just trying to get his foot in the door, realizing that women, when they see him, won’t care that he is 81 (unless he told them he’s 61, then that’s a stretch). The first thing he must do when he initially meets a woman face-to-face is reveal his true age. No more quandary.
Les Jones, 91, also a widower, a World War II vet, emailed, “I read your article in the June 20-28 San Clemente Times about Different Kinds of Relationships. I may be interested in a LAT (Living Apart Together) relationship.
“My wife and I had a good relationship, we missed 50 years by three months. Currently, it’s my frame of mind holding me back. The ‘effort’ is just not there yet. In time, I know I will improve.
“From your experience, what now? How do I meet a friend?”
Tom’s response to Les: “Meeting a new friend will take a little effort, but believe me, it can and will happen. My partner Greta saw your picture in the newspaper and said, “Les is a very handsome man.” So, already Les, you will be off to a good start when you decide to venture out.
“One way is to get involved in a few new activities. A handsome, single man your age, will have no trouble meeting women who might enjoy a LAT relationship.”
Les added, “Tom, remember, I am 91. I’m slowing down but I do enjoy going places. I went to Washington D.C., in May.”
Les presenting wreath at the Price of Freedom Wall at the National WWII Memorial in D.C.
My guess is Les will find a woman who will be perfectly happy to have a LAT relationship. Beginning a live-in relationship in with someone at his age could be complicated. But a LAT, well that might be perfect. We all have a need for companionship. Les understands that he isn’t ready to start dating, but he’s thinking about it.
Update: Les and I met for a glass of wine this past Tuesday evening. This man is a decorated World War II vet. He was given three presidential citations by President Truman. Frankly stated, he is one hell of a man.
So, to the woman who asked me in Costco why I don’t write about single men, she’ll be happy to know her question prompted a newsletter about older single men the very next week.