Senior relationships: Comments that will make you scratch your head
From the Mailbag: Questions and comments I received over the last few days that will either have you scratching your head or smiling as we launch into 2017.
1. Is a man cheap if he doesn’t want to spend money on dating?
Micki asked: “What is your opinion of this situation? A friend of a friend does not want to date women because it means spending money on a date. Do you think this person has financial issues or he is just a cheapskate?”
Tom’s answer: It might not be either. It's hard to say without knowing the man. Did he tell you or someone he doesn’t want to spend money on dating? Perhaps he has very little money and needs to conserve the money just to manage to get along. I can't say he is cheap without knowing his situation. Perhaps he just doesn't want to be with women. That’s hard to fathom, but there will always be a few men and women who have no interest in dating.
If he does not want to date women, or he doesn’t want to part with his dinero, it doesn't matter what his reasons are. He probably would not make a good mate.
He might just be embarrassed about his financial situation. I would need more details before giving an intelligent answer.
2. Two women seek male friendship but not marriage
JuliAnn emailed: “Men who have trouble meeting women should be aware of how they come across to the women they are meeting. I fit ‘Al’s’ description (Al was the man in a recent newspaper article who said he was tired of hearing about the ex’s of the women he has dated), but as a widow, I am enjoying my life and putting me first. I do not want to be a housekeeper, cleaning person, or caretaker for another as I have done all of that. I would like to meet a good friend and have fun. I am not looking for a husband, but a companion. Food for thought?”
Maria said, “I am so bored with hearing (from men) about the last wife and her issues. ETC. I am seeking a regular guy, a good friend. I am divorced, no strings. Maybe Richard, the guy you mentioned a few weeks back, and I can email.
Tom’s comment: Richard was one of the men who said meeting women was difficult. And right after he said that, he met a woman he has an interest in and thus, he will not be emailing Maria (at least not for now).
The problem I have with emails such as the ones from JuliAnn and Maria is the women usually don’t tell me enough about themselves, their age, in what city they live, what they currently do to meet new people, their interests or their activities. It is hard to help them because I’m not a mind reader. Often, when I respond, they write nothing back.
If they are not already subscribers to the newsletter, I recommend they subscribe on the home page of. the www.FindingLoveAfter50 website.
If they have a relationship question or a dating issue that I’ve written about over the past 23 years, I refer them to the category page on the same website where I’ve previously discussed that topic.
3. Musings from a man
Curtis wrote: “Last week's newsletter (about three women who shared their 2017 goals) confirms what I've felt all along. Older women are not interested in a relationship. If they want to go out, they have their circle of girlfriends. They have made mistakes in the past and now everyone they meet is or has a problem.
“And it’s always the same mistake, they pick the guy who cheats on them, the guy who beats them verbally or physically, or both, or someone into drugs or alcohol. You never hear that my first husband beat me, my boyfriend cheats on me, the last guy was into drugs. They always pick the same characteristic. And yet there's the nice guy out there who isn't for them. What's a man to do?”
4. On Life and Love After 50 Newsletter: They subscribe and they unsubscribe
Trude said: “I'm one of your long-time Champs who has enjoyed (and learned much) from your weekly newsletters. Not sure why, but at 65 I've decided to unsubscribe--particularly after reading the sentiments of the three lady Champs in last week’s newsletter.
“I have been on-line dating since 1999! Wonderful memories from many of the men I have met via those sites. In fact, I'll be visiting one of my British on-liners in just a few months. Online dating has now become too much work for my taste.
“And I'm no longer interested in tips on meeting men--ergo unsubscribing.
“Mainly, just wanted to thank you for your journalistic efforts over these many years. I've truly learned a lot.”
Tom’s comment: I never enjoy hearing that someone is unsubscribing or already did—it’s always a challenge to get new Champs. But, that’s the way life goes. People’s interests and needs change. When I checked yesterday, I was happy to see Trude hadn’t pulled the plug yet.
At 65, she’s still young. I was hoping she would share with us what happens when she meets her British on-liner in a few months. She may feel online dating is now too much work for her, but, my gosh, she is going to meet face-to-face with a British bloke because of her online efforts.
One of our Champs who lives in California is 81 and he is getting married soon to his 4,500-mile, long-distance love who lives in England. So Trude, let’s keep the British connection going. If Chris and Tina, our Champ couple, can do it, who knows, perhaps you can also.
5. Pondering Retirement
John (who has been a Champ it seems forever) shared, “I am focusing on reducing my debt so I may comfortably retire by 2019 since my current work contract expires that year. If I can work until 2022 to maximize my social security, I will try but retiring before then is fine. Such is life right now and I accept the single life if that is what my future gives me.”
“It is good to always find a good-hearted woman, but as I continue enduring cold winters on the east coast, I am open to meeting a good-heated woman for warmth that the scammer from last week was looking for.
Tom’s comment: John has made many valuable contributions to this newsletter over the years. He met a woman overseas and married her. Eventually, it did not work out but it was a fascinating experience (probably more to me than John). I am sure there are many Champs who are or will be contemplating the retirement situation in 2017.
Happy New Year Champs. You are all special to me. Here's a book that would be helpful in meeting a potential mate in 2017:
To order a personalized, signed, copy, for $12.99, including tax and shipping, email me: email@example.com.