Widow Beware. Loneliness leads to bad decisions. No sex life. Is She crazy?
By Tom P Blake - Finding Love after 50
A 69-year-old widow of one year emailed, saying that her two sons had disowned her because of the relationship she's had with a man for six months. She asked to remain anonymous so we'll call her Sue.
Sue provided background information: "He is living in my home. We are having a great time, traveling and enjoying life. There is no possibility of marriage. I don't want to, and he can't (he's married). He has no children.
"We are very compatible, and so far, all is going well. I intend to maintain my independence, and do what I want, although he can be pretty controlling."
The man is 71, in good health now, but went through massive aneurism surgery three years ago. "Our sexual life is almost nil, as he can't do anything, but I really don't care. So far, he is not doing his part money-wise, because of his ex," Sue said.
Sue commented about the man and his wife (a wife is not an ex): "He split up with his wife after years of a miserable marriage. He set her up in a home of her choice, and they put the house up for sale. He gave her the car, and she lives on her Social Security, plus he supplements money to her when she asks for it.
"She has a deadbeat son who is 60. She is supporting him, and wants my boyfriend to give her more and more money to help her support her son."
Sue said her sons are worried he'll take her money. She countered by saying, "Once his house sells, he will have all the money he needs for us to share."
Sue asked, "Do you think I am doing the right thing or what advice can you give me?"
Normally, I keep my opinions to myself in situations like Sue's. But since the widow asked, I'll toss in a few thoughts.
I'm glad she's happy and having a great time. Loneliness is difficult for older singles. But, more than a few things bother me about Sue's situation.
He's still married and living entirely off of her nickel. Any money he has he gives to his wife. He has made promises that when his house sells, he'll have all the money he needs, which he intends to share with Sue. But will he?
That he is controlling really bothers me. She's providing everything and he wants to be in charge? Yikes, sounds like a bad deal. Adults don't need to be controlled--by anybody.
And then there's his damaged heart. Who will pay if he gets sick again? She's already a purse, she could easily become a nurse. And no sex life? If that doesn't bother her, well, I guess, then it's ok. I can assure you, it would bother me.
I understand her sons' concerns. Other than companionship, what is this guy contributing? Nothing--he's got a free ride.
My advice to her is to protect herself and her money. Her sons may be right; he may find a way to take her money, leaving her not only without companionship, but without the means to take care of herself.