Who Pays For the Date?
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By Tom P Blake - Finding Love after 50
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A controversy started during a speech I was giving at the Laguna Niguel, California, Library to a group of 90 middle-aged and senior singles, on the topic: how baby boomers can meet a mate.
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When I said, “Women should be willing to ask a man out and pay for the date,” a woman in the audience whispered to the woman seated next to her, “It’ll be a cold day in hell before I pay for a man’s dinner.”
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I didn’t hear her comment, but 76-year-old Ray, of Dana Point, heard it. During the question- and-answer period, Ray wanted to know why the woman thought that way, and why, in the year 2002, some women are unwilling to share dating expenses.
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A lively debate followed. The woman tried to explain her position, but most of the men in the room disagreed with her unwillingness to pay.
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Later, in a letter Ray sent, he explained his position: “The time has long passed when older single women considered a man a provider, a protector, a financial provider and someone to ‘take care of them.’ Unfortunately, too many older single women still think of a man that way.”
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Ray asked, “How do older single women relearn their priorities in dating? Perhaps many will never learn such as the woman sitting in front of me who made the comment.”
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Ray included in his letter a copy of a column from the Register, “Courting costs are yours, too, ladies,” by Amy Alkon, who appears on Mondays in Accent. Amy wrote: “If a woman considers herself a man’s equal, her equality shouldn’t evaporate when the check comes…dating shouldn’t send men to the bankruptcy court and women to the mall.”
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Sometimes, I don’t agree with what Amy writes, but on this “who pays” topic, I strongly agree with her, and with Ray.
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The old days of when men always picked up the tab are gone. There is no reason why this should be happening today.
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Ray wrote, “I live on social security and retirement investments. I live a conservative lifestyle and am financially secure.” His resources aren’t endless, and he questions why he should always have to pay, and says he won’t do it.
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There are older men who still insist on always paying. If that’s their desire, that’s okay. But, the majority of older single men I know don’t feel that way.
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Joe, 51, formerly of Huntington Beach, now living in L.A., e-mailed, albeit somewhat tongue-in-cheek, regarding a woman he’s had a few dates with.
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“…she has not offered to help pay for anything on the last two dates… so I guess I have met another one of those ‘freeloader women,’ that I seem to find everywhere. She works, has a nice house, so what’s the deal?
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“I drive a ten-year-old Honda, live in a one-bedroom apartment, and work for a non-profit agency…is there something about my ‘resume’ that says this is a wealthy guy?”
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I usually avoid writing about the “who pays” topic. It always gets me in trouble. But, since Ray initiated the discussion, I’ll say this to single older women.
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If you feel that you deserve to be with a man who always pays, you may find a guy willing to do that. But, for the most part, if that’s the attitude you have, you likely won’t be asked out after a few dates with a man.
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Guys appreciate when women share expenses, and won’t enter relationships with women unwilling to do so. Neither men nor women should always have to be the banker in a relationship.
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Amy wrote in the same column, “The point here isn’t calculating each person’s outlay to the bent dime.” Again, I agree, what’s important is having a sense of sharing as equally as you can, without nit-picking about how much each spent.
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Women’s roles have changed--in the workplace, at home and on the dating scene. If you hope to end up with a good man, you’d better be willing to share in the expense of dating, because that’s the way it is among the older set in 2002.
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Reader Comments and Tom’s Responses:
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Mary, San Clemente: “When you are alone you expect loneliness and somehow it’s tolerable. When you are married, you don't anticipate feeling isolated and it can be devastating. Response: Being unhappy and single is better than being unhappy and married.
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Linda, Chattanooga, Tenn. “Imagine, age 50 and still having parent problems. My mother, age 70, is giving me grief about my relationship. She has always been nosey, bossy and opinionated.” Response: In the movie, “My Big Fat Greek Wedding,” the parents, who were against their daughter’s relationship because her fiancé wasn’t Greek, ended up giving the newly married couple a house. Of course, it was next door to their house.”
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