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Never-married woman in LAT (Living Apart Together relationship) unsure if she should breakup with man friend of two years​​

June 28, 2019

Never-married woman in LAT (Living Apart Together relationship) unsure if she should breakup with man friend of two years

Two parts today: Part 1 – Never-Married woman in LAT

and Part 2 – Meet and Greet in Dana Point

Never-married woman in LAT (Living Apart Together Relationship) unsure if she should breakup with man friend of two years

Champ Judy, not her true name, emailed, “I’m 78, never married (not yet, haha), though I had proposals. I met one man in my 30s who I would have married, he was nine-years-younger, his parents broke us up. We were so happy.

“He came back a year later to ask me to marry him, but I broke the date, not knowing that’s what his plan was. We didn’t get back together, and, he eventually married someone else.

“I compare everyone to the wonderful relationship we had. I know it’s ridiculous to hang onto the past and the hope I could meet another like him.”

For seniors, the cow or the milk? Five women expound on cohabitation vs. marriage-a senior dilemma. For seniors, getting remarried may not be wise.

January 22, 2017

Jennifer, Orange County, California, stated, "Marriage is a personal and economic unit whose main goal is to provide a stable home in which to raise children. Two people can do a better job of this than one. Older people who often have grown children have already completed this task. They do not need to nail down a reproductive agreement.


"Older people have often spent a lifetime working and accumulating assets and they frequently like to keep their finances separate. Many want their children or grandchildren to be their sole heirs. Marriage or re-marriage can interfere with this inheritance plan or complicate it. Sometimes, it's simpler to remain single, even while living together.

Seniors who live together without being married. Should seniors remarry? Why shouldn’t seniors remarry? How should seniors introduce their live-in mate?

January 22, 2017

This week I heard from Champ Jill, who is in a relationship but not married. She's concerned about what people think regarding her arrangement. I had a discussion with her that should ease her concerns.


Jill: "I have a question about being in a long-term relationship as you are. I ask because I'm in one myself. How do you introduce Greta? All the usual terms seem so awkward and long to use. For example, meet my wife, turns into meet my significant other, or long term partner, etc. I always get odd looks."


Tom: This question comes up often. It is a bit of a dilemma, isn't it! Here's how my mom handled it when she would introduce my life partner Greta to her friends. She would say, "This is Tom's Greta." In that way, she avoided the issue and left it for her curious friends to figure out."

Should Seniors Remarry? Reader Lloyd proposes a senior pre-marriage litmus test that will make women angry or disagree with him.

December 22, 2016

In response to last week's column, in which Trent's wife--without informing him-- took her kids and moved to another state to be with another man, Champ Lloyd advanced his theory on testing second and third marriages before tying the knot so this type of behavior won't happen.


Lloyd said, "You have to take the time to go through stages of dating, relationship, and then, at long last, marriage. Marriage under these circumstances should never be done after one year. Three to five is more like it."

Not one reader agreed the re-marriage litmus test. Instead, caring, respect, compassion, communication and trust make a healthy relationship.

December 22, 2016

I've been a columnist for 18 years, having written some 3,000 columns and newsletters. Never have the responses to a column been 100 percent against the message of the protagonist until last week's, which featured Lloyd, and his pre-marriage litmus test suggestions about testing a mate's reaction to intentionally irritating her or him. I'll share some of those reactions later but need to get something off my chest.


The title of this newsletter is "On Life and Love After 50." I view it as an ongoing conversation with people who contact me with their stories, questions and comments, and with you Champs who respond to those stories with opinions and observations of your own. Through these exchanges, we learn more about others and in turn about ourselves.

Why do married people read Tom’s newsletter? Some because they are Partially-married people.

December 01, 2016

Why, over the past six months, have more than the usual number of married people subscribed to this newsletter? 
It surprises me how many married people read it in the first place. There's no way to estimate the number, but from the comments and email I've received over the last five years of writing it, I estimate 20 percent of our subscribers are married.
Why do married people read a column originally intended for singles? For lots of reasons. But a new reason may be emerging: the economy. 
Yesterday, on AOL news (2008), there was an article by Amanda Lee Myers and Christine Armario titled "Economy Forces couples to stay together."  The article talked about couples who remain living under the same roof because in today's economy, they can't afford to live in separate households. 

Woman says she was stuck in a widower mess. She found marrying a widower is risky.

December 01, 2016

Hopefully, today's story about dating a widower will prevent others from making a similar mistake. At least that is Sharon's hope. She wrote to say she is dating again after a "disastrous" widower dating relationship. 

Sharon spoke of her widower, "He was married for 36 years; has 3 kids - very happy marriage. His wife had breast cancer that went to a brain tumor, causing her death. This will be five years in March.  

"We knew each other from work in the 70's; bumped into each other four months after she died. He said he was ready - I had doubts.  Although he is very emotional I believed he was ready to move on."

54-year-old bachelor marries a woman who had given up on dating

December 01, 2016

Note from Tom: This article was published August 29, 2008


What do a 54-year-old bachelor who's never married, a beautiful cancer survivor, and the publisher of this newsletter have in common? They were the three key parties in a wedding ceremony last Saturday night.


Yup, I swapped my columnist title for a new title: Orange County Calif. Deputy Marriage Commissioner. I married Phil and Laurie at a ceremony in the historic mission city of San Juan Capistrano, California. 


This June, when Laurie and Phil asked me to marry them, I was surprised and honored. "How would that be possible? I've never married anybody and besides, I'm not a man of the cloth nor am I ordained," I said.

Marriage is no longer a slam-dunk decision. Three couples not married, but in rewarding relationships without the marriage.

December 01, 2016

Is a new trend emerging among older couples? Many are in loving, rewarding relationships without the marriage aspect.

Last Sunday night, My partner Greta and I attended a holiday party at a home in a nearby city. During the course of the party, three couples-all in their 50s and 60s--were chatting. Each of the couples are in loving, caring relationships. None are married.

The first couple has been dating exclusively for three years. They were introduced by friends. They live about 35 minutes apart by car. He's retired, living on a limited income. She's still working. They split dating expenses but admit doing so gets awkward trying to remember whose turn it is to pay.

Conveniently married or marriage of convenience. When cheating isn't cheating - or is it?

December 01, 2016

Last week I wrote an article about people who are partially-married. Lots of responses came in.

Lisa, a psychotherapist, commented on the proper term to define this group. "I think the term conveniently married or marriage of convenience is the one used when people marry or stay married for reasons other than love."


Lisa's right. Henceforth, when describing this category of people, we'll use her terms.

Older singles' dilemma: Marriage, live together, live separately?

October 16, 2016

When singles 50+ meet a new mate, and both want some kind of a future together, they need to eventually decide what their living arrangements are going to be.


Some prefer to have a relationship but to live separately


Maria said, "The older I get, although I'd welcome a companion in my life, I question the need to live together. I am very independent, love my house the way I like it and tend to feel any companion would be welcome to spend time at my place anytime, but not on a permanent 'live in' basis.


"Maintaining our own homes might change of course, and I keep in mind the need to be open to change, which depends on the richness of the relationship."

Senior Marriage from the male point of view

October 02, 2016

A recent newsletter was titled, "Don't Settle," which was about Liz, who had dated a man for six months who repeatedly told her he didn't love her and would never marry her. He had lived in the same apartment for 45 years and was a "mamma's boy," according to Liz.

Women responded pretty much with a chorus of "Dump him." But one man's response shed important light on the male point-of-view regarding why some older men have no interest in remarrying later in life. Randy said, "Since you didn't have any 'male' inputs on Liz's settling problem--and it struck just a little too close to home--thought I'd share my thoughts." 

Marriage or Live Together? What Should This Senior Couple Do?

August 26, 2016

During the Christmas holidays, Doug, 70, a widower of two years, met Susan, 69, while shopping in a bookstore. “We’ve been dating and partners since.

Between us, we have nine children, 20 grandchildren and one great grandchild,” Doug said, and then asked, “Should we get married or live together?”

That’s an explosive question, one that puts me on the hot seat with readers. Regardless of my response, some people will object. But since Doug asked, here goes.

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