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Senior Sex before marriage

By Tom P Blake – Finding Love after 50

Recipients of this newsletter have strong opinions and aren’t afraid to share them when they feel strongly about a topic. Last week’s column about Gail—who had been in a platonic, friendship-only, relationship with Charles for three months—triggered an avalanche of responses.

Gail and Charles had attended functions together and share many interests—church, dancing, dining, concerts, opera, camping and fishing. They had agreed that being intimate had to wait until after marriage.

When Charles started dating another woman, Gail realized her feelings for him had changed, that she was attracted to him and feared she’d lose him. She asked what she should do. Many of you, mostly women, responded with opinions that zeroed in on the senior sex before marriage issue.

Another Gail said, “Good grief, Gail needs to get into this century. I would NEVER consider marrying a man with whom I did not have sex. How will she know if it even works? I don’t blame Charles for wanting to date someone else, if you are a healthy person, sex with a person you’re dating is a natural part of your relationship. I find it really, really sad that so many over-50 women don’t care much for sex.”

The term chemistry was mentioned often. Sophia said, “No matter how well matched they may be, Charles does not feel chemistry and is simply not ‘into her.’ I suggest Gail collect her dignity and move on.”

Tammy wrote, “If Gail has chemistry with Charles, she needs to forget the sex-only-after-marriage thing, and go for it. We’re too old to worry about marriage.”

Withholding no punches, Shirley emailed: “How can this platonic lady friend even imagine that she can kindle the flames of a romance with this guy by withholding sex? Is she an aged virgin who must prove she is intact before marriage? She claims he agreed to this ridiculous bargain.

“Women who consider marrying without knowing whether they are sexually compatible are nuts! It isn’t important whether they share love of camping unless they’re sharing the same bed. Six months of friendship without sexual interest is conclusive evidence he’s not interested.”

Valerie said: “It was too late from the get go. Physical attraction is either there at the onset or it’s not.”

Sarah mentioned that Gail should tell Charles she’s willing to be romantic: “What’s to gain? A lifetime of happiness? Worth giving it a shot? You betcha!”

Marilyn chimed in. “We can’t go by the same rules we went by when we were teenagers. I’m not suggesting wild abandon, but a little assertiveness when there is an attraction is a good idea. I’m planning to travel with my ‘gentleman caller,’ even though as a young adult, my parents would have been horrified!”

Annie said, “She should tell Charles she is ready to step up to a romantic relationship. See what he says. She may be sorely disappointed, but is giving herself the opportunity to be the special person in his life.”

From Elaine: “What the old boy is saying is, ‘I don’t feel enough for you physically to take my Viagra.’ I’ll bet the new gal has been worth his time and trouble in that department. He’s using ‘chastity until marriage’ as an excuse to keep her as a gal-pal.”

And finally two men’s opinions: “As for the woman fiddling around with whether she should continue seeing the guy who is now seeing another woman, I think that ship has already sailed,” George said.

JB, in Michigan, said, “I am a 55-year-old single male, and I do not waste any time on women who want to be ‘just friends.’ Why would I? I don’t seek a once-in-awhile female companion; I seek a one-flesh union with a like-minded female.”

As we age, can new relationships thrive without intimacy? Friendship-only relationships can. But the majority of people who responded feel that without intimacy, those relationships won’t go to the next level. Senior sex before marriage is like apple pie and vanilla ice cream together.

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