How critical Is Chemistry In Senior Sex?

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By Tom P Blake – Finding Love after 50

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A widower new to our group needs senior sex and intimacy advice. He wrote, "My question has to do with female chemistry. My wife passed away suddenly two years ago. I was married for 50 years to the love of my life. I am 72.

"I met a lovely lady on Match.com and have been seeing her for four months. We both work so it is usually on the weekends when we get together. She was widowed six years ago after a 37-year marriage to the love of her life. She is 65.

"We have an incredible number of things in common and wonder how we never met as we ran in the same circle of friends. I am the first man she has dated and she is the second woman I have dated. I liked the other woman but we were from different worlds and parted as friends after two months.

"The woman I am seeing now is terrific. We talk a lot about our spouses, which seems to be the best 'counseling' for both of us. We said from the beginning that we would be open and honest with each other.
 
"We are in no hurry to have sex but both enjoy being together, holding hands, and cuddling very affectionately. Two weeks ago, after having dinner at my house and cuddling, she telephoned the next morning. She told me she was going to mention this the night before but could not bring herself to do it, which is why she called.

"She said she liked me and enjoyed my company and was not saying goodbye, but that she felt no real chemistry. This blew me away considering her behavior the night before. What do I do?

"Is there a magic bullet to light her chemistry or is there no real chemistry when we get to be so old?"

 

I responded: "There is no magic bullet or magic wand that will light her chemistry. However, from what you infer about her night-before behavior, perhaps that is best. Had she had real chemistry, you might still be on the floor or at the least, exhausted.

 

And, is there real chemistry when we get into our 60s and 70s? Oh you betcha! I am not sure what the difference is between female chemistry, real chemistry and just plain old chemistry, but intimate affection within a relationship helps make the wheels go around. Not to mention that it can ge good for one's health and helps people sleep better.

 

Admittedly, as we age, not all of the chemistry body parts function as well as when we were younger. But, with a little creativity, a couple can still enjoy intimacy. Perhaps enjoy a sexy movie with her or stop into a sex-toy shop and ask them for suggestions. Too bad you aren't in Amsterdam, shops there are almost as frequent as ice cream parlors.

The widower added: "I really want to be with this lady, but it is awkward knowing she doesn't feel the same way about me as I thought she did. I have always been a fighter for what I want and I want her in my life.

"Is female chemistry so different from men's? I don't know if what I feel is chemistry or just a strong longing. I think of chemistry of what I felt when I met my wife; maybe that was chemistry and lust. I was much younger then.

"Any suggestions would be better than anything I have come up with."

I responded: "I would not do anything different, at least for now. Enjoy her and see where it goes. It's good that you are attracted to her. You wouldn't be interested if you weren't attracted to her. 
 
"Yes, you want to be with her, but be a little less available and she might start to realize what she has in you, which might perk up her attraction for you. 
 
"Over time, if this lack of mutual attraction continues, it could become a deal breaker for you, then you will have to make a decision to hang around or not."
 
                       A week went by. Widower sent update

 

He had two more dates with her. Her position (pun accidental) didn't change. She told him that maybe her husband had treated her so well that she might never change.

He asked her to reserve Saturday nights as date night. But she had plans on two upcoming Saturdays. So on those nights he will be alone. But, other than that, she was still willing to see him. 

After reading his update, I took a little stronger position in my second response. I said that at least she is being honest with him. He is the first man she has dated and perhaps she is simply proceeding cautiously. Or, maybe that spark truly isn't there for her, which is what she told him.

I said to him that a man of 72 is fortunate, there are four single women to each single man his age (approximately); he has a strong chance of meeting a fine woman who would be attracted to him and perhaps he should spread his wings a bit.

 

I would hate to see him wait around for her, only to find that she will never change and to have his heart broken again. I suggested that he still see her--he is not willing to give that up anyway--but date around a bit; maybe check out Match.com again.

I think he is a little too available. 

 

Plus, for a relationship to work, each person needs to make the other a top priority, and that includes from the chemistry standpoint as well. She is not ready to do that yet. 

I am curious what both women and men Champs have to say here.

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