People who have been hurt or abused need to let anger go to be able to grow in a new relationship. Healing is needed to have a successful new relationship. Healing takes time and might require therapy.
By Tom P Blake Finding Love After 50
When people are deeply hurt after their marriage or relationship ends, they need to let the anger go. Men sometimes have the most difficulty healing from a bad relationship.
A few weeks back, we wrote about SF, a South Florida woman who had a short-lived relationship with a man she met online. In that column, SF wrote: "He mentioned a past relationship that had caused him a lot of pain, the woman had belittled him often, and after three years, it was enough and he walked out. It had been eight months he said, and then he mentioned he knew someone who could make sure she would get to see my picture he had in his I phone."
The ex saw SF's picture, got jealous, and enticed him back. He dumped SF, apparently to go back for more of the old pain.
One of our male Champs-we will call him Corvette man--responded to that article. He said, "I relate to the guy in a small way. I divorced my wife of 10 years mainly because she was such a hurtful and controlling individual."
Corvette man said he did not realize he had been hurt so deeply until he was in an act of intimacy with another woman: "I understand a part of me is still very angry with my ex for all of the lies and abuse she dished out and I took. Someday, I will find the way to let go of that anger but for now I am satisfied at my progress towards that end. I have not dated much and felt the hurt had not healed enough to be with someone even in a casual relationship.
"It has been over a year now and I slowly began to come out of my self-imposed exile. I met a woman who had a common interest in Corvettes. She came with me on a Corvette-club sponsored day trip and we had a good time together.
"One night after returning from an outing, things began to get a bit frisky. A kiss lead to more kissing and that lead to...well I'm sure you know where I'm heading. It was all systems go until, suddenly, this extreme feeling of hurt, anger, guilt and God knows what else came over me.
"All systems went to condition 'red' emergency shut down! I felt so bad, I did not want her to feel that something was wrong with her or that my 'systems' problems were caused by her. I simply was not ready to be intimate. She accepted my explanation and we have seen each other since, but I was surprised that those feeling ran as deep as they did and still have a profound effect on me.
"I related to the guy who dumped SF. I would never run back to my ex or do anything to stoke the fire. What that guy did with the photo was like using gasoline to put a fire out. He used SF to get a reaction from his ex. He may pay for that when his ex decides to abuse him some more.”
For older adults to be able to move forward with a new partner, they've got to let the past anger go. It's called healing.