Over-thinking a relationship
By Tom P Blake - Finding Love after 50
“I’ve been dating a man for 4 months. We see each other approximately every other weekend and talk on the phone every night. He says he loves me and our time together is always excellent,” Josie emailed.
I love to receive emails and letters that begin like that. Finding love is hard later in life; it’s good news when two older adults connect.
But wait, there’s more from Josie: “I asked him a question that if I never saw him again, how would he feel. He said he would probably be sad for a month or so but would go on with his life. He said he wouldn’t think about me for the rest of his life.
“He said he isn’t and has never been a mushy person. However, while I talked to him on the phone before we met in person, he said sweet things and even sent me cards with nice romantic words.”
And then Josie added, “He was separated for a year but only recently divorced. Also, he is an attorney. What should I think about this relationship? He makes me happy and sad concurrently.”
Oh my gosh. Her question to him is a perfect example of how to screw up a good thing. And even though my mom hated the word, this woman is being “anal.” She’s dated a newly-divorced man, what, 8 to 10 times? She says he is making her sad because he wouldn’t miss her forever if she never saw him again. Hogwash, she’s making herself sad. She's allowing her insecurities and naivety to bubble out.
I said, “Why did you ask him that question? It was childish. What difference does it make how he would feel if you never saw him again?
Men are mushy during the pursuing stage, which shows they are trying. But in the real world, when men are too mushy, women get turned off.”
I asked her what difference does it make that he’s an attorney? Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Most attorneys are human and have feelings just like the rest of us. She replied, “I mentioned his career because attorneys seem to be emotionally controlled- maybe his reason for logic.”
If this guy hasn’t dumped her yet, he will soon. I suggested she appreciate him for who he is. Forget the after-the-relationship-ends speculation, live in the present. She needs a dose of John Gray’s book, “Men Are From Mars. Women Are From Venus.”
When someone special enters your life, treasure him. Don’t lay some silly question on him.