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Rushing Intimacy

By Tom P Blake – Finding Love after 50

Most women have had to deal with meeting a man they like and immediately he wants to hop in the sack, as was the case with our subscriber, Carol— not her real name. How long should seniors wait for sex?

Carol wrote to me in April: “My childhood friend introduced me to her cousin, who was widowed unexpectedly in December after a 14-year marriage. I’ve been divorced for 8-plus years. We’ve been on several dates and spent several evenings together. This widower wants sex.

"There is mutual chemistry between us and great physical attraction although we have restrained from making love. I feel he isn’t ready for this type of intimate relationship although he says he is. He is rushing intimacy.”

The widower was cooking dinner for her that weekend and she wanted advice on what to expect regarding intimacy. She also stated she was afraid of being hurt in the long run.

I told her to expect advances from him while under his roof and to stick to her guns about not having sex too soon. I also advised her to be careful dating him because he hadn’t had time to heal yet. Women who get involved in situations like that, often, not always, end up getting hurt.

In late July, Carol emailed an update: “We were dating each weekend. I was falling for him but knew that a physical relationship at this point would not be wise for him or me. He agreed we should wait.

“The next week he received a long-awaited death certificate for his wife’s death. He immediately tuned me out and after a couple of weeks, got involved with someone else. Dropping me completely. I was waiting for the optimum time for both of us and he was not willing to wait.”

Did Carol wait too long? When would have been the optimum time? Was she right to follow her beliefs? If she’d had sex with him, would he still be with her?

We can only speculate; he’s the only one with the answers. But I suspect that Carol was right, that he hadn’t properly healed—4-6 months isn’t much time— and he would have flew the coop even if she’d had sexual relations with him. Give her credit, she escaped with dignity and avoided that feeling of emptiness when a woman has sex with a man who then disappears.

If a man cares for a woman and wants her as a long- term mate, he’ll cool his sex jets until the time is right for her, as long as he knows it will happen some day in the not-too-distant future. She can help stretch the delay time by assuring him she’s not frigid.

Women, young or old, want more than sex-first with a mate. Another woman wrote, “I’m told by my friends that I am quite attractive. However, attractive for me is mental stimulation. I believe that the biggest sex organ is between the ears. I would love ‘romantic, magical, playful love' first and sex second.”

I'm not sure about the biggest sex organ part, but I understand what she's saying.

As men age, for the most part, they still want sex first with women. That’s rather a fact of life. Unless the guy is a flaming jerk, a woman should understand it’s at least nice that a man finds her attractive. But that doesn't mean she should compromise her values.

Not mentioned so far is the most important consideration of having sex too soon: the danger of contacting a STD or HIV. Percentage-wise, the fastest growing population segment to contact STDs is age 50-plus. Sexual partners-to-be need to be tested before being intimate. The Centers for Disease Control website,, offers guidelines for protection from sexually transmitted diseases. (See link to cdc website).

Don’t be rushed into intimacy—the possible downside is too great. A good man will wait, even if, to him, it seems like forever.

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