Loneliness clouds judgment when having sex too soon. Senior woman needs to see red flags fly.
By Tom P Blake – Finding Love after 50
A 58-year-old woman is involved in a puzzling relationship. She's confused and doesn't know how to handle the situation. "Any words of advice you can give me would surely be appreciated. I'm sure the advice will be helpful and probably what I already know in my heart and mind to be," she wrote.
She explained, "In April, I started seeing a 63-year-old widower I met through an online dating site. Our relationship became physical almost instantly."
There's the first red flag. They became physical too soon. How can one build a loving relationship with another if one hops in the sack with that person before getting to know him or her?
But there are more red flags. She said, "He was widowed in January after 43 years of marriage; he cheated on his wife from the beginning."
When she met him, he had been widowed for three months. That's too soon to be dating after 43 years of marriage. But her story is not a dating-a-widower issue. A bigger red flag is that he cheated on his wife throughout his marriage. What does that say about him?
She pinpoints the root of her problem: "I allowed my loneliness and sympathy to overrule my intelligence."
Loneliness clouds judgment. It takes people down paths they should never be on. But there's more.
"I believe him to be addicted to Internet dating sites. He was or is a member of 10 or 12 sites, even a few XXX-rated sites, where he posted photos of his private part. He does not see this as a problem as all he does is chat online, but on occasion, phones the women he meets there," she said.
Not a problem? He's chatting with some woman online who's looking at his private part flopping in the breeze? Remember Bob Dylan singing "Lay Lady Lay?" His clothes are dirty but his hands are clean? This guy sounds like a porn man, but I don't think his hands are clean. That's a huge red flag.
She added, "To my knowledge there have been three women he has met and only two that's he's had a physical relationship with, one of them being me.
"I have been cheated on before and it is the most demeaning and demoralizing thing that can happen to a person. I do not trust him any further than I can pick him up and throw him."
She can't trust him and yet she's wondering what to do? Where is her self-esteem?
She said, "His wife knew of his cheating and apparently was accepting of this flaw in her husband. I don't know if she had her own agenda or not. I only know I am not cut from the same bolt of cloth. I cannot and will not tolerate a liar or cheat."
Flaw? Cheating is merely a flaw? It's a hell of a lot worse than that. And, isn't tolerating a self-confessed cheat what's she's doing?
She doesn't know if he's cheated on her, although she's had suspicions, not yet proven. With his track record, it's not a question of if he'll cheat, or did he cheat, but when he'll cheat again.
She added, "I think I will always be suspicious of him because of his history of cheating and mine of being cheated on. I know the right thing to do; I just don't want to do it. Loneliness is a terrible thing to base a relationship on and I believe it to be the core of this one."
My advice to her: "Get out of this lust pit immediately. How can you have a relationship with a man you'll never trust? Also, get tested for STDs and HIV because you have no idea what diseases he might be transmitting or has passed on to you.
"Recapture your self-esteem and don't let loneliness cloud future judgment."