Far Too Creepy to sleep in the same bed

By Tom P Blake - Finding Love after 50

Often, it’s best to replace the bed, and not just change the sheets.

Today we open with a bedroom-related question for women: If you were dating a widower, could you sleep in the same bed where his wife had died? That is the concern of a 52-year-old divorced woman who asked for advice.

I appreciate her forthrightness. Perhaps the answers presented here today will help women (and men) who are dating widowed people. It could even help the widowed people themselves. So thanks to her.

She wrote, “Ten weeks ago I met a very nice 59-year- old man whose wife passed away 27 months ago. He has most of the qualities I seek in someone for that possible serious senior relationship, maybe marriage.

“He was married 35 years and adored his wife. Because of that, I have suggested we move along slowly as I want to be sure he has healed from the sudden passing of his former wife (he says he has). We have a lot of fun, we get along great and the relationship is beginning to get very sexual.”

So far, the relationship sounds normal. Two people date, they enjoy each other, and physical attraction blooms. That’s what’s supposed to happen with progressing relationships. But there’s a twist to this woman’s situation.

She said, “He has started to ask me to stay nights over at his house in the city where his wife died in her sleep—in their marital bed—from a heart attack at age 55. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable just to be at his house knowing his wife died there. There is no way I could sleep on the same bed his wife died on, far too creepy for me. I don't know how to approach this with him without hurting his feelings.”

She explained that they’ve spent a couple of nights together at a vacation cabin he owns. She’s afraid he will think it odd if she doesn’t also stay at his city home.

I told her to be honest with him, to tell him she respects his dignity and the dignity of his deceased wife, and that she would not feel comfortable sleeping in the bed. And to also tell him she cares for him a great deal and hopes he understands. “That is the only way to handle it because you admit there is no way you could sleep in that bed,” I added.

Three weeks later she wrote: “I took your advice and talked to my new friend and he totally agreed with me. It bothered him as well. He plans to order a new bed and said that if our relationship evolved into a serious one, marriage, he would sell that house and would want to get a house together.”

Sounds like her fears were his fears. Difficult situations are best resolved with honesty and open communication. It’s the easiest—and wisest—path to follow.

This situation could be reversed. A man could be dating a widow and face the same situation, so it works both ways.

In senior dating, one of the smartest things to do after a divorce or the passing of a spouse, is to get a new bed. It will make both people in the relationship feel much better.

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