Three singles ask about senior dating issues. Tom’s answers to help senior singles.
By Tom P Blake - Finding Love after 50
Ron asked: "When on a date for the first or tenth time, is it acceptable for your date to dance with other men she knows from dance classes (who ask her to dance)? She loves to dance and is very good and I am not too bad.”
Ron added: "I personally find this rude and a slap in the face. Perhaps I am being too sensitive on this subject? Being 66, this dating game is all new to me."
Tom's answer to Ron
"It depends on why the two of you went to the dance. As a date, or just as a dancing partner with the understanding you'll dance with others?
"If as a date, I think it's a bit rude. On a first date, it would be totally rude. I don't like it when my partner dances with other men, although she rarely does. I certainly wouldn't ask another woman to dance and leave her sitting there.
"If it really bugs you, and she does it often, let her go to the dances alone.
"Have you two discussed it?" Communication between senior couples is key.
John asked, "I re-read your book, "Finding Love After 50. How to Begin. Where to Go. What to Do." On page 72, you say, 'Most people match up better with mates close to their age. They share the songs, dances and historical events they experienced and have similar energy levels."
"How close in age should mates be?"
Tom's answer to John:
"There is no set rule. It depends on the couple. In my foolish days, I dated (and married) younger women--five to 15 years younger. Result: three failed marriages plus one failed two-year relationship. The longest-lasting of those four situations endured for six years.
Nineteen years ago, I saw an attractive woman and asked her out, thinking she was 7-10 years younger. Turns out, she is one year younger and we've been a great team ever since—so dating someone close to your age worked for me.
Remain open-minded. You might meet a woman older than you who would be right for you. Compatibility is more important than age difference.
A benefit of dating a woman near your age is you don't have to prove you're Superman. She'll understand if you take a nap, go to bed early or don't want to dance until 3 a.m. There is less pressure to try to keep up. In no way, however, does it mean you show her less respect.
I'm not suggesting you settle for any woman near your age. She has to fit into what you seek in a mate, which is an entirely different topic (and covered in the book).
"I am a 50 something who was married for 24 years and have been divorced for 10 1/2. Sometimes I feel I am too independent to have someone in my life and other times I feel like a failure for not having someone. My philosophy is to live as positively as I can, laugh as often as I can and love as deeply as I can.
"What I am finding in the dating pool is men my age have been in a long-term relationship and are not too eager to get back in another one, OR they want to find a "sex only" partner, OR they need a mom figure to take care of them.
"OR they are younger men looking to score with older women. I have tried online dating sites, several of them and find they are more for entertainment value than the real deal. And my church does not offer any kind of singles program.
Most sites are for the younger crowd, which leaves us out
Most would consider me average height and weight, healthy, funny, charming, employed full time, very low-maintenance, easy going, etc, you know all the things we love to think about ourselves. I am a good Christian person with above average looks. I am turning to you and your help.
"Have you considered starting a singles group through your church? They might welcome a nice volunteer effort."
Rusti replied, "I have checked out several churches with little success. If you do not attend that church you tend to be 'ignored' at functions as you are not in their 'click.' In spite of what is perceived as common knowledge, Southern hospitality is not always shown.
There are many more women than men and some with less-than-perfect bodies get left out in the cold.
"My efforts include church, the park, restaurants alone, friend outings, online personals, etc. I hold my head high and walk in with a smile and an air of confidence but get passed over for the young, dumb blond in the middle of the room. Is the outside package more important than the inner beauty? I am just frustrated at the lack of quality men who are genuinely real."
Tom’s advice on these senior dating issues hopefully will help these three senior singles.