On Life and Love after 50 Newsletter August 26, 2016
Three parts in today's newsletter. Part 2 is a scam alert. Part 3 is a link to the featured song.
Part 1 - Woman, 68, frustrated with senior dating
Dating again after losing a mate can be overwhelming, particularly for senior women. This week, Brenda, not her true name, shared her frustrations.
Brenda said, “I am a widow of two years. A year ago, I was on OKCupid and Plenty of Fish Internet dating sites for three weeks. I met several men but they were mostly just awful; they were negative or had issues. So I got off both sites.
“Recently I got back on one to try again! It's very strange to be ‘dating’ at this age! I am not looking to remarry or even live with a man but I do want a special relationship. I had a loving and devoted husband for over 30 years and I miss being someone's special someone.
“Trouble is I am 68 and for people over age 60 I read that there are 4-5 times as many women as men! So, the older men have their pick of women! I have met about 12 or 13 men for coffee dates that I would not be caught dead with!
“There were four men I dated for more than a few dates. So many loser men out there. I hate ‘dating!’ I don't think I am 'afraid' to love again - I want to!”
“I have a full life with friends (even male friends) and activities. I do volunteer work and take salsa and square dance classes. I am fit, healthy, active, intelligent and educated. I am attractive, fun-loving, warm and nurturing. I am financially set and have a nice home.
“How soon is too soon to give up?”
Tom’s response to Brenda:
I understand your frustration. Your marriage of 30 years to a loving and devoted husband has set the bar very high for another loving relationship. And I commend you for putting yourself out there on the Internet.
Since you asked for my opinion, I will comment on five items pertinent to your email. Please do not take my comments personally; I am telling you as I see it. What I am about to say is pretty to the point and not sugar-coated. However, I think by changing just a few things you may meet some nice men.
Tom’s five comments for Brenda
1. The number of available men. At age 60, the ratio is not four-or-five women to each available man, but closer to three-to-one. At 68, it is a bit wider. So, although the ratio is daunting, it’s not quite as bad as you have suggested.
Plus, the lack of men doesn’t appear to be your problem. When you first went on the dating sites for three weeks, you met “several” men, whom you said were “mostly just awful.” I assume that means that one or two of those men weren’t so bad, they just weren’t what you are looking for.
You say you’ve met 12 to 13 men for coffee dates, over about a year’s time. That is pretty darned good. Many women who write me haven’t had a date in several years, and you are out with a new guy on average about once a month?
Also, in that year, you dated four of the men “for more than a few dates.” That’s pretty darned good also. Again, it’s not the shortage of men that is the issue.
2. Your attitude toward dating and the men you are meeting. You say you “hate dating.” That feeling is evident in your email and might be just as evident when you meet these men in person. Drop the word “hate” from your dating vocabulary.
Also, regarding those 12-13 coffee dates you had, you said you would not be “caught dead” with any of them. Drop those words from your dating vocabulary as well.
You also said, “…so many loser men out there.” Your negative attitude towards men may be turning potentially good men into disappearing ones. No man will match what you had with your husband.
3. Your problem isn’t meeting men, it is meeting the wrong type of men. The words, “I was lookin’ for love in all the wrong places” from the 1980 Johnny Lee song Lookin’ For Love may apply to you (For more information on the song and the movie Urban Cowboy, see the end of today’s article).
I suggest you be more selective in the guys you agree to go out with. Look in the right places. Try different Internet sites and get out and volunteer in more than one or two places, but in a myriad of places, as Chicken Soup For The Soul co-founder Mark Victor Hansen suggested two weeks ago in the newsletter.
4. From what you say, you’ve got it all: health, friends, active lifestyle, financially set, a nice home, intelligence, fun-loving, warmth, attractive, and a nurturing side. Look in the mirror, appreciate what you have, and get out there and help others who are less fortunate. Give back. As my mom used to say, “Bread Cast Upon The Waters…” often comes back around to benefit the giver.
5. How soon is too soon to give up seeking a mate? Age 90 to 95 would be when you might say, “I’m not going to look for a man anymore.” That’s about 22 years from now.
Good luck. I am sure things will improve for you.
Part 2 - Senior People Meet Scam
This email landed in my inbox Wednesday night. I have never been on Senior People Meet. Be careful with messages like this. Notice that the grammar highlighted is wrong: "Please do not reply this message." They left out the word to. Never click on the link if you receive an email like this.
5:07 PM (2 hours ago)
to bcc: me
A new security measure has being applied to our system.
You are therefore required to Re-validate your account immediately
Please do not reply this message as it is not monitored.
SeniorPeopleMeet Support Team
Part 3 - Note about the song, “Lookin’ For Love.”
In 1980, country singer Johnny Lee recorded the song. John Travolta, who starred as “Bud” in the movie “Urban Cowboy,” liked the song and danced to it with co-star Debra Winger (Sissy in the movie). The song made number one on some charts. Sissy is the woman who rode the electric bull in the movie.
You might recall the scene at the end in Bud’s pickup truck. His name was on a miniature license plate in the rear window behind the driver’s seat. He pulled out another license plate and put it behind the passenger’s side. The second plate, of course, said, “Sissy.” Very cool end to the movie.
Here is a link to the song with scenes from the movie:
John Travolta and Debra Winger from Urban Cowboy
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