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Intimacy and senior sex too soon

Sex too soon often leads to a dead-end relationship. Sometimes we want love so much we try too hard and give away too much too soon.

Barbie, (name changed) age 48, Anaheim, Calif., is a widow of five years, with children grown and out of the house.

Barbie wrote me about her experience with a biker man who disappointed her. "Why doesn't a man like that want anything more than sex with a wonderful woman like me? Why did I feel like I lucked out when I met this guy, and now feel like he tricked me just to get his way? Why do men do this, Tom?"

She said her friends tell her she's beautiful and she looks young for her age. "I believe I have what it takes to find someone again," Barbie says.

When she auditioned to sing in a band, she met a guitar player named Harvey (name also changed), age 50. "I found out he has a Harley. Since I love riding, I asked if he'd mind taking me for a ride. My intention was just for the fun of riding, not necessarily to go on a date."

The next evening Barbie and Harvey went for a ride and had drinks and dinner. Barbie says there was a mutual attraction. They also went out a week later after her second audition.

Barbie said, "At the third audition, I was told I wasn't what the band was looking for, and Harvey left afterwards without a word, not even to say goodbye. I felt 'really' rejected-first by the band and then by Harvey."

Barbie called Harvey and they had two more dates. "I was very relaxed and attracted to him and we ended up back at my house both evenings. That was last week and I haven't heard from him since. Did we have sex too soon?"

Barbie's friends told her that Harvey is a player, and not just a guitar player. "He only wanted one thing. It's my fault, I guess, for 'giving in,' but I thought Harvey liked me. Maybe he's playing it cool for some reason. I'm attracted to him because he's a musician, rides a Harley, is active and in good physical shape. He has a good job and wasn't afraid to spend money on me. All of those things appeal to me."

Barbie called Harvey twice more. "We got together again, talking and being honest about things. He told me he's very attracted to me, but that he's not looking for a girlfriend right now. I found out that I 'scared' him because I looked like his ex-wife who really hurt him."

Barbie said Harvey was going through a rough time because the ex-wife moved out of state with their young daughter, who was Harvey's "whole world."

"So," Barbie said, "I'm going to be patient with him, and take things one date at a time. We are going riding again this week. I told him if all we become is riding buddies that would be ok with me."


Two weeks later, I contacted Barbie to find out how things were with biker Harvey. Barbie said, "Harvey called to tell me his ex-wife called him out of the blue and that he was going to give her another chance. So, my story ends there. I was only a temp, a 'part-time’ lover."

There's a lesson for singles in Barbie's story. It's okay to be mildly assertive when meeting a man-to ask him for coffee or to ride his bike, or to call him. But only ONCE. And this is an example of what can happen when having sex too soon. Respect for yourself goes right down the drain.

Barbie was rejected and kept coming back for more. She believed she could change Harvey. She let her attraction for him and her hormones do the thinking and walking.

When a person you meet isn't responding the way you want them to, back off. Don't get involved with someone who says you remind them of an ex-that's an excuse, a smoke screen. And don't give in to sex too soon-you'll lose in that category also.

Oh, one more comment: It's a good thing Barbie didn't contact Dr. Laura for her advice on this story. Dr. Laura wouldn't have been so kind.


Kathy: "I'm 59. It seems all the men I date only want sex. Wouldn't it be nice to have a relationship to go with the sex?" Response: A little relationship thrown in would be nice. Barbie in today's column will attest to that.

Mary, "You are a good friend to so many of us. We appreciate your efforts to help us along the rocky trail over 50. Plus you have saved a lot of us paying for a therapist." Response: Take the bucks you save and spend them on someone nice.

Tom, Anaheim, "Thanks for your service to all of us. It doesn't get any easier as we grow older." Response: Any easier? How about a lot harder?

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