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Finding love after 50. The
website for middle aged singles and senior singles, providing
information and dating advice for middle age dating and senior dating.
This column's topic: Who pays on a date? The man or the woman?
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The controversy started during a speech I was giving at the Laguna Niguel
Library to a group of 90 middle-aged singles, on the topic: how baby
boomers can meet a mate.
When I said, “Women should be willing to ask a man out and pay for the
date,” a woman in the audience whispered to the woman seated next to her,
“It’ll be a cold day in hell before I pay for a man’s dinner.”
I didn’t hear her comment, but 76-year-old Ray Averett, of Dana Point,
heard it. During the question- and-answer period, Ray wanted to know why
the woman thought that way, and why, in the year 2002, some women are
unwilling to share dating expenses.
A lively debate followed. The woman tried to explain her position, but
most of the men in the room disagreed with her unwillingness to pay.
Later, in a letter Ray sent, he explained his position: “The time has long
passed when older single women considered a man a provider, a protector, a
financial provider and someone to ‘take care of them.’ Unfortunately, too
many older single women still think of a man that way.”
Ray asked, “How do older single women relearn their priorities in dating?
Perhaps many will never learn such as the woman sitting in front of me who
made the comment.”
Ray included in his letter a copy of a column from the Register, “Courting
costs are yours, too, ladies,” by Amy Alkon, who appears on Mondays in
Accent. Amy wrote: “If a woman considers herself a man’s equal, her
equality shouldn’t evaporate when the check comes…dating shouldn’t send
men to the bankruptcy court and women to the mall.”
Sometimes, I don’t agree with what Amy writes, but on this “who pays”
topic, I strongly agree with her, and with Ray.
The old days of when men always picked up the tab are gone. There is no
reason why this should be happening today.
Ray wrote, “I live on social security and retirement investments. I live a
conservative lifestyle and am financially secure.” His resources aren’t
endless, and he questions why he should always have to pay, and says he
won’t do it.
There are older men who still insist on always paying. If that’s their
desire, that’s okay. But, the majority of older single men I know don’t
feel that way.
Joe Follick, 51, formerly of Huntington Beach, now living in L.A.,
e-mailed, albeit somewhat tongue-in-cheek, regarding a woman he’s had a
few dates with.
“…she has not offered to help pay for anything on the last two dates… so I
guess I have met another one of those ‘freeloader women,’ that I seem to
find everywhere. She works, has a nice house, so what’s the deal?
“I drive a ten-year-old Honda, live in a one-bedroom apartment, and work
for a non-profit agency…is there something about my ‘resume’ that says
this is a wealthy guy?”
I usually avoid writing about the “who pays” topic. It always gets me in
trouble. But, since Ray initiated the discussion, I’ll say this to single
older women.
If you feel that you deserve to be with a man who always pays, you may
find a guy willing to do that. But, for the most part, if that’s the
attitude you have, you likely won’t be asked out after a few dates with a
man.
Guys appreciate when women share expenses, and won’t enter relationships
with women unwilling to do so. Neither men nor women should always have to
be the banker in a relationship.
Amy wrote in the same column, “The point here isn’t calculating each
person’s outlay to the bent dime.” Again, I agree, what’s important is
having a sense of sharing as equally as you can, without nit-picking about
how much each spent.
Women’s roles have changed--in the workplace, at home and on the dating
scene. If you hope to end up with a good man, you’d better be willing to
share in the expense of dating, because that’s the way it is among the
older set in 2002.
Reader
Comments and Tom’s Responses:
Mary Martin, San Clemente: “When you are alone you expect loneliness and
somehow it’s tolerable. When you are married, you don't anticipate feeling
isolated and it can be devastating. Response: Being unhappy and single is
better than being unhappy and married.
Linda Phree, Chattanooga, Tenn. “Imagine, age 50 and still having parent
problems. My mother, age 70, is giving me grief about my relationship. She
has always been nosey, bossy and opinionated.” Response: In the movie, “My
Big Fat Greek Wedding,” the parents, who were against their daughter’s
relationship because her fiancé wasn’t Greek, ended up giving the newly
married couple a house. Of course, it was next door to theirs’. |
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