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Ex-husband and new husband. Can they be friends? Author and columnist Tom Blake provides dating information and advice for widowers, widows,
divorced men, divorced women, middle-aged singles boomer singles and senior singles who are dating again and hope to meet a mate.
Husbands: Can your ex be friends
with new husband?
© 2004 by Tom Blake
Last Friday, my partner Greta and I attended a party for Pam--one of Greta's friends--who is retiring after 30 years of teaching.
When we entered the restaurant, there were about 50 women sitting in the dining room and two men. I made a beeline to sit near the guys.
The men had an interesting connection. Jim, Pam's husband of a year, was having a discussion with Roger, Pam's former husband of 28 years. My initial reaction was: two ex's side-by-side, this may become interesting. I began to realize as I listened to the two men converse that not only did they get along well, but they respected each other. I also realized that an important message was evolving to share with readers. I started scribbling notes on the paper table cloth in front of me. Each man stood and praised Pam. And when each sat down, each had tears in his eyes. Ex-husband Roger commended Pam for getting out and meeting people after their divorce. "I'm proud of you," he said. Jim had glowing words for his wife. You could see the feelings in his face and when he ended his talk, he walked over and kissed her. Pam said she was the luckiest woman in the world to have worked as a teacher for thirty years and then to have met somebody when in her 50s. And she added, "Jim makes great nine-grain pancakes." During supper, I asked the two men why they got along so well. Roger, himself remarried for two years, said, "Jim's a good guy, I like him and am pleased he entered Pam's life. It warms my heart to see her happy again." And Jim accepts that Roger was with Pam for 28 years. "That's in the past and simply a fact of life," said Jim. Both men agreed that when people have been together a long time, things and individuals can change and there may come a time when moving on is best for both. Roger said his divorce from Pam wasn't a bad thing, it was just time for a change for both of them. And since children were a part of the mix, the parenting responsibility didn't end. Both continue to accept that roll and to help each other with it. And Jim works with them, not against them. Roger said, "You don't discard the years you shared." Jim, who still plays golf and tennis weekly with his ex-wife, added, "We all care about each other."
Lessons learned: By getting out and meeting people, Pam, in her 50s met Jim. They met at church. Older singles meeting and having a life together. It can and does happen.
Second lesson: So often we hear of or experience bitterness, jealousy and anger surrounding divorce.
It was nice to observe educated, sensitive and intelligent people handling maturely the path upon which fate has taken them.
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