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Finding love after 50. The website for middle aged singles and senior singles, providing information and dating advice for middle age dating and senior
dating. This column's topic:
Aug. 21, 2003
Dating advice fits all: trust your instincts
By TOM BLAKE
For The Register's South County Weekly Newspapers
Perhaps it's the long, hot summer or the recent full moon. For whatever reason, I've been getting more questions than usual from readers about screwy things
that are happening in their relationships.
A common thread running through many of the questions is shaky behavior by boyfriends and girlfriends.
I'm often asked for my opinion on these strange happenings and most of the time I tell people to "trust their instincts."
Perhaps, when we date at middle age, we allow mates to get away with things that as younger people we wouldn't have tolerated. Or, we're just happy to be
involved with ANYBODY – regardless of how we're treated.
Carolyn Jay of Laguna Niguel said, "I thought I was in a committed relationship. At least that is what I was told. However, when I could not be available to go
out with this guy, he found someone else to go out with.
I thought a committed relationship was only dating each other?"
David Silver, a DePauw University (Greencastle, Ind.) classmate of mine, e-mailed from New Jersey, "A guy we know in Hoboken, started corresponding with
a woman from Ohio, who arranged to visit him.
"During the visit, she mentioned that her dad was meeting her and they were going camping for the weekend. While she was gone, my friend found his way
into her e-mail account somehow, and discovered that the 'Dad' was another guy she'd been having an online romance with. Not only that, there were several other guys with
whom she had fallen in love with online, all at the same time, and she had plans to see all of them. Beware – you can't learn who someone is in an e-mail."
If you want a committed relationship, and the person you're dating is holding back, there's a reason. And you need to find out what it is. Your instinct tells you
something's not right, things don't sort out or make sense. Guess what? Your instinct is right. Don't rationalize thinking "Oh, he just got out of a relationship and will love me in
due time, he doesn't want to be rushed, I remind him of his ex-wife, or, he's platonic with an old girlfriend so it's OK if he continues to see her."
Either he's in with you or he's not. Sit down and have an eyeball-to-eyeball, heart-to- heart, don't-lie-to-me talk, and either get a commitment from him to share
life together, or you walk away.
Your time is too valuable (and hopefully, your self-respect too high) to go on endlessly waiting for him to make you the top priority.
When the person you're dating makes excuses why he or she isn't seeing you more often or is unwilling to do what you feel is reasonable, wise up, you're not
the shining light in his eye that you want to be. He may be playing you along and using you – for money, sex or whatever.
Trust your instincts. Don't accept less in a relationship than you deserve.
Demand to be treated respectfully. You'll be better off in the future.
Weekly comments:
Mary, Costa Mesa: "Why do you call Greta your girlfriend when you've been together for so long? Maybe a better term would be more appropriate. In a lot of
our minds, girlfriend means a temporary situation. I feel a more endearing term would make me feel more cared for and loved."
Response: I hope Dr. Laura isn't listening. When I wrote a column about what middle-agers who aren't married should call themselves, Dr. Laura
took me to task and suggested something not very complimentary. I call Greta my girlfriend because that's what feels right. Making someone feel more cared for and loved isn't
in a name, it's in how you treat him or her.
Note from Tom: When I received an order for three copies of my new book, "Finding Love After 50. How to Begin. Where to Go. What to Do," from the
Little Rock, Ark., Library, Greta said, "I wonder if one's for Bill?"
I belong to the Register's speakers bureau. If you'd like me to speak to your group, contact me at TPBlake@aol.com.
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