Sex: Too Much Too Soon
SEX FOR BARBIE AND THE BIKER:
TOO MUCH TOO SOON
Sex too soon often leads to a dead end relationship. Sometimes we want love so much we try too hard and give away too much too soon.
Barbie, (name changed) age 48, Anaheim, Calif., is a widow of five years, with children grown and out of the house.
Barbie wrote me about her experience with a biker man who disappointed her. "Why doesn't a man like that want anything more than sex with a wonderful
woman like me? Why did I feel like I lucked out when I met this guy, and now feel like he tricked me just to get his way. Why do men do this, Tom?"
She said her friends tell her she's beautiful and looks young for her age. "I believe I have what it takes to find someone again," Barbie says.
HER INTENTION "WASN'T NECESSARILY"
TO GO ON A DATE
When she auditioned to sing in a band, she met a guitar player named Harvey (name also changed), age 50. "I found out he has a Harley. Since I love riding,
I asked if he'd mind taking me for a ride. My intention was just for the fun of riding, not necessarily to go on a date."
The next evening Barbie and Harvey went for a ride and had drinks and dinner. Barbie says there was a mutual attraction. They also went out a week later after
her second audition.
Barbie said, "At the third audition, I was told I wasn't what the band was looking for, and Harvey left afterwards without a word, not even to say goodbye. I felt
'really' rejected-first by the band and then by Harvey."
Barbie called Harvey and they had two more dates. "I was very relaxed and attracted to him and ended up back at my house both evenings. That was last week
and I haven't heard from him since."
"I'M ATTRACTED TO HIM BECAUSE HE'S A
MUSICIAN, RIDES A HARLEY..."
Barbie's friends told her Harvey is a player. "He only wanted one thing. It's my fault, I guess, for 'giving in,' but I thought Harvey liked me. ..Maybe he's playing it
cool for some reason. I'm attracted to him because he's a musician, rides a Harley, is active and in good physical shape. He has a good job and wasn't afraid to spend money
on me. All the things that appeal to me."
"I LOOKED LIKE HIS EX-WIFE..."
Barbie called Harvey twice more. "We got together again, talking and being honest about things. He told me he's very attracted to me, but that he's not looking
for a girlfriend right now. I found out that I 'scared' him because I looked like his ex-wife who really hurt him."
Barbie said Harvey was going through a rough time because the ex moved out of state with their young daughter, who was Harvey's "whole world."
"So," Barbie said, "I'm going to be patient with him, and take things one date at a time. We are going riding again this week. I told him if all we become is riding
buddies, that would be ok with me."
TWO WEEKS LATER. "A 'PART-TIME' LOVER
Two weeks later, I contacted Barbie to find out how things were with biker Harvey. Barbie said, "Harvey called to tell me his ex called him out of the blue and
that he was going to give her another chance. So, my story ends there. I was only a temp. A 'part-time lover.'"
There's a lesson for singles in Barbie's story. It's okay to be mildly assertive when meeting someone-to ask him for coffee or to ride his bike, or to call him.
But only ONCE. And this is an example of what can happen when having sex too soon. Respect for you goes right down the drain.
Barbie was rejected and kept coming back for more. She believed she could change Harvey. She let her attraction for him and her hormones do the thinking
and walking.
When a person you meet isn't responding the way you want them to, back off. Don't get involved with someone who says you remind them of an ex-that's an
excuse, a smoke screen. And don't give in to sex too soon-you'll lose in that category also.
Oh, one more comment. It's a good thing Barbie didn't contact Dr. Laura for her advice on this story. Dr. Laura wouldn't have been so kind.
READER COMMENTS
Kathy Tinch, Aliso Viejo: "I'm 59. It seems all the men I date only want sex. Wouldn't it be nice to have a relationshipto go with it?" Response: A little
relationship thrown in would be nice. Barbie in today's column will attest to that.
Mary, Costa Mesa, "You are a good friend to so many of us. We appreciate your efforts to help us along the rocky trail over 50. Plus you have
saved a lot of us paying for a therapist." Response: Take the bucks you save and spend them on someone nice. Or, go to the home page of my website
http://www.findingloveafter50.com and click on "Consulting." I'm don't charge much.
Tom, Anaheim, "Thanks for your service to all of us.
It doesn't get any easier as we grow older." Response: Any easier? How about a lot harder?
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