A year ago, Joe, 50, of Dana Point asked for my
opinion about his 46-year-old girlfriend sharing dating
expenses.
I told him that was for them to work out.
He recently e-mailed, "I finally brought up sharing
expenses and she agreed. Well, we went on a cruise and I
paid for all of the expenses. She still hasn't paid her
part, about $520. I also pay most of the time when her two
sons go out with us. A friend suggested I give her an
invoice.
"The other problem that's beginning to get to me is she
NEVER drives to my place. She lives in Santa Ana, 33 miles
away. So, I have to bring her to my house and take her
back, a total of 132 miles. She claims her car will break
down (her car has 40,000 less miles on it than mine). I
even gave her an extra remote for the front gate, which
she's never used. I care for her but don't think she
respects me."
When I asked him why he allowed something that bothered
him to continue, Joe said, "I just got stuck with paying
and driving because I felt a connection with her and
wanted to see her."
In an e-mail sent a few hours later, Joe wrote, "She
just called from a casino and said her sister won't leave
(meaning their date that day would be delayed). That was
the nail in the coffin for our relationship. I may be sad
for awhile but the eternal search for the right woman will
go on!"
When she returned from the casino, Joe drove to Santa
Ana to tell her he wanted to break up.
"I left but forgot the extra remote to the front gate
of my complex, so I called her to tell her I'd pick it up
on Sunday." Oops, another trip to Santa Ana.
Joe said she thought he was joking about sharing
expenses and that she also said he should have warned her
about the breakup.
"I told her I don't give warnings or threaten breakups.
I don't live my life that way. I guess I didn't get angry
enough for her. I shouldn't have to. My second wife would
rarely listen if I was angry."
In an even later e-mail, he wrote, "I should mention
her ex-husband has a key to her house so he can watch the
kids after school. I could never figure out why he just
didn't pick them up from school and take them to his
house. One time she and I came home and he was upstairs.
Their sons weren't home. That part was just weird."
So, Joe broke up and signed up for two Internet dating
services. He said, "I think one of the questions should be
whether a person is willing to share expenses. That would
cut my responses from women by 90 percent, but at least
the 10 percent would be what I'm looking for."
If Joe also insisted one of the questions should be –
willing to drive to his house – that would cut the
response even more.
Ah, middle age dating – such a picnic.
Weekly comments
Nancy, San Clemente: "Your 'Trusting Your
Instincts' column was one of your best. I wish I'd done
that with some of the dating relationships I've had that
didn't work out. Thanks for keeping hope alive."
Janice, Anaheim Hills, (after a breakup):
"I'm better off with my golden retriever. She's loyal,
trustworthy and doesn't break my heart." Mary,
Costa Mesa: "Absolutely, positively trust your instincts.
Denial only delays the inevitable."
Aug. 28, 2003
