Men want sex with no commitment

Why do men want casual sex with no commitment?

Bobbi, 48, of Anaheim, a widow of five years, asked why older guys only want sex, and after the sex, leave - never to be heard from again. "Why do men do this?" said Bobbi. Normally, men don't speak up about dating issues, but sex is one topic they're willing to discuss.

One Huntington Beach man, requesting anonymity, said, "I'm always amused at the 'surprise' women report when the men they date want sex. Here's a bulletin for females in that category: Men date to get sex! That's not all that bad, because for lots of guys like me, that's the minimum relationship requirement."

Mason Grigsby, San Francisco, who is writing a book on middle-age dating, e-mailed, "Women need to realize that when men leave after having sex, it isn't because of the sex. They would have left anyway. Any man that has true attraction for a woman will stay. Sex is not the issue, it's simply the fact that he determined that she's not the right woman."

Mason shared a theory on why women shouldn't delay having sex. "When a woman waits to have sex for six months or so (assuming the guy sticks around), believing the man will 'like her' more after that elapsed time and become a permanent fixture in her life, he might still leave after having sex. Then, she has lost six months or more of her life, is emotionally involved and will need even more time to recover."

John, formerly of Orange County, now living in Washington, D.C., e-mailed, "Sometimes, when dating, we all get a bit anxious to establish a relationship quickly, but going too fast results in unwanted consequences, especially when sex is introduced early. Forming a firm basis first to develop a lasting commitment makes the sex part much more special and the wait more than worth it."

Women shared their opinions on Bobbi's question.

"Why do men do this? Because they can," said Lynn Olson, Dana Point.

Kathy of Aliso Viejo said, "Women get short- sighted and connect sex with love. ... Men don't associate sex with love like we do!"

Sandi of Tustin wrote, "Men are hard-wired so differently from women. I think by now we know sex is uppermost in men's thinking process."

Former county resident Monica  e-mailed from Florida, "The issue that men only want sex, and if you don't give in right away they don't call back after the first date, is the No. 1 complaint from my single women friends in their 30s and 40s.

"If you don't give in on the first or second date, you are usually dropped right away. Why are so many men like that? "I guess older men have usually had marriages or serious relationships and children and just want casual sex in the golden years."

A 51-year-old Orange County divorcee named Gail went to Las Vegas for a friend's wedding. Her dating service fixed her up with "a really nice guy" her age.

She was pleased. He was well-mannered and a good conversationalist, and had a master's degree. She thought he might be a good mate. Halfway through dinner, he said, "I find you very attractive and want to sleep with you tonight."

Gail said, "It was like, 'Pass the salt, let's get it on.' " Gail declined and never heard from him again.

Single women shouldn't buy into romantic first-night lines. Having sex with strangers can result in sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV. A good way to learn about safe sex is to contact the Centers for Disease Control (www.cdc.gov or 800-342- 2437). Investigate safe sex practices and risk factors for HIV.

If a man is interested in a relationship, he'll wait until his woman is ready to have sex.

READER COMMENTS

Diane, Cypress: "I leave on Saturday to visit dear friends in England. Who knows, maybe I can pick up someone there or on the airplane. Need to refresh my flirting skills, they seem to have diminished with age and/or lack of use." Response: Traveling is a good way to meet people.

Christine, Fullerton: "Thanks for sharing your lovely and loving tribute to Johnny and June Carter Cash." Response: To see the tribute, go to www.findingloveafter50.com and click on "Tribute to Johnny Cash" at the right of the home page.

Al, Irvine: "I host a ballroom dance class at the Buena Park senior center on Wednesdays.

"I've been at it since 1985 and now I'm 88. There is something about dancers that keeps them young in spirit. Classes are better than dances because it screens out the old guys who just stumble around at dances. And the type of men you find in classes are not out for immediate sexual adventure."

Response: You're sure young in spirit.

Note from Tom

E-mail me (TPBlake@ aol.com) all the brush-off and get-into-bed lines you've heard for a future column. Include your name and city.