Finding love after 50. The website for middle aged singles and senior singles, providing information and dating advice for middle age dating and senior dating. This column's topic: A single woman asks, why won't men commit to relationships?

Men and Commitment

A woman e-mailed me and said: “Some men run the other way if they think commitment is involved. Single women over age fifty aren’t necessarily looking for a husband as much as for a significant other. Why are middle-aged men afraid of commitment?”

I’ll try to shed some light on her question, based on the inputs from readers of the 345 columns on middle age relationships we’ve shared.

Some women want a commitment too soon. It’s the first date, and she’s already thinking that her furniture would match the carpeting in his home. Guys can sense when a woman is desperately looking and they run the other way--not because they’re afraid of commitment--but they fear when she comes on too fast she may be insecure and smother them.

I’m been married and divorced three times; I still prefer to be in a committed relationship vs. going it alone. I’m not afraid to commit. I’ve settled into a special relationship and intend to make this one work (note from Tom: as I update this column in November, 2003, I'm still in the same relationship with her--it's been five and a half years).

Nearly all of my single male friends say they’d like to be in a committed relationship, but they often run the other way.

They aren’t running from commitment, they're running because they don’t want to give up their comfortable ways of living. They like their lives as they are, and they don’t want to change. Most realize that the existence they’re choosing is lonely, but they’re willing to live with that loneliness vs. giving up their freedom.

The happiest couples I know seem to be the ones who give their partners plenty of breathing room. They appreciate each other as is. They don’t expect or demand too much. No walking on eggshells. They’re just happy they’re together and they give each other lots of freedom. As we get older in life, most of us need a bit more space, even our own room down the hall, if possible, where we can be alone, or get a good night’s sleep.

Some men avoid commitment because they don’t want to go through another breakup or divorce. They are leery--perhaps because of what happened before--they got hurt or jobbed in their divorce settlement, or their spouses cheated, or they got nagged at, or whatever happened, they don’t want to risk going through that again.

Some men avoid commitment because they feel they aren’t with the right woman.

My advice to women who would like to have a committed relationship: give your man lots of freedom and air to breath, and treat him like a king. Don’t rush him.

In time, he may come around. Appreciate and enjoy your own freedom. If he keeps running away, let him go, avoid ‘the chase.’ You wouldn’t want to be with someone unwilling to commit to you.

Once you’ve said goodbye, he may be gone forever. Or, he may realize that life with you is more important than whatever it was that kept him from committing to you. Either way, you win.

So, it’s not that guys won’t commit, they just want to do it in their own time.