Internet dating honesty. Does it pay? Author and columnist Tom Blake provides dating information and advice for widowers, widows, divorced men, divorced women, middle-aged singles boomer singles and senior singles who are dating again and hope to meet a mate.

Internet dating honesty (or not?)
© 2004 by Tom Blake

Monday, May 24, 2004

Honesty's the best policy, but when?

TOM BLAKE Register columnist tompblake@gmail.com

Many single women feel that if they're honest about their age in a personal ad or provide a current photo, they get few date offers. Likewise if they disclose a health issue. To improve their marketability, they shave off a few years, provide an older photo or don't reveal their health problem upfront. Take, for example, Edie of Raleigh, N.C.

Edie put an ad and photo on match.com that stated she was 55, although she's 60.

"I want and deserve a social life. You could call it social survival Catch-22," e-mailed Edie, "I tell men by the second date I'm older. Some don't care; it's a risk I take. I resent that regardless of who I am or how I look, age seems to be a major deciding factor of whether a woman is desirable for the majority of men."

Sylvia also used an Internet personal ad, "I downsized my age from 64 to 60 because I wasn't getting many responses. I met a man I'm attracted to who's 59. Should I tell him straight out my age?"

Are Edie and Sylvia being wise marketers, or just contributing to middle-age dating deception? Some say "little white fibs" are OK. "A little fudging is fine as long as you fess up in a short period of time," says Suzanne Powers of Menifee.

William of Anaheim, Calif., said, "Age has no bearing on real age. Sometime 'little white fibs' of omission may be OK to hold back for a later time if the relationship takes hold." Women say men lie, so why can't they? Shirley of New York City wrote, "My most recent date lied about his age by 12 years, and yet when we spent seven hours together, our conversation ended with comments about my age and salt and pepper hair. Lying for women on the Internet is mandatory."

Health Issues are More Serious

And how about health issues? Should people with a disability or medical problem reveal their condition in a personal ad or initial conversation with a potential mate?

"As soon as possible," says Burl of Mission Viejo, who doesn't have an issue with people misrepresenting their age, but feels that "Earth- shaking things like being HIV-positive or having had cancer surgery should be brought out in the open."

Janet of Dallas agreed. "I think age is fine to fib on; men are too picky when it comes to age. But medical information should never be fibbed about."

George of San Francisco warned, "Not telling a potential partner that you know you have an STD (sexually transmitted disease) can lead to a lawsuit."

Some Require Total Honesty

Joanne of Fountain Valley says she'd have a hard time believing anything a man said if he'd lied to her in the beginning.

"Pure, raw honesty is the sexiest and most intriguing trait that a man can have. It shows courage and self-confidence," stated Barbara Barnes of Newport Beach.

For Dena, dating men who lie is a turnoff. "The biggest liar was a guy who said he was 59 and had two kids. He was 72 and had 10 kids. Why would you go into a relationship with someone who lied before you even meet them?" Ruth said, "Little white fibs get exposed and destroy trust. Life is too precious to play games."

Time your revelations

Long Beach relationship coach Tina Tessina advised, "Men and women don't need to tell all on the first meeting, but before sex, honesty is the best policy."

"Private personal matters such as physical and mental health conditions, eating disorders, substance abuse and sexual histories should be carefully revealed and evaluated as dating partners get to know each other," said Bob, of Corona del Mar.

"Wait and see where you're going first" suggested Dawn, Wisc., "You don't have to lie. Do like many men do: Don't volunteer information just to be talking." From Fla., Belinda e-mailed, "I don't believe in baring your soul and most intimate secrets to everyone you date a couple of times. If a relationship develops, you'll have plenty of time to share the most private parts of your life."

Former "singles" candidate for governor Rich Gosse of San Rafael e-mailed, "Never lie, but be careful with the truth. Never volunteer negative information until you hear the magic words: 'I love you.' Then, you can tell them anything and it won't matter."

Jan stated, "I prefer my dates to have honesty over imperfections." How do you feel about honesty in dating? E-mail your opinions to tompblake@gmail.com.

Activities

Singles often ask: "Where can I go to meet other singles?" Volunteer for the Dana Point Boat Show, June 3-6. You might meet your dream captain who owns a 70-foot yacht. Free T-shirt, parking, lunch, show and party. Contact Victoria  for questions and signups: (949) 493-5143.

John Jorgenson and friends concert, 7:30 p.m. June 4, Community House, 24642 San Juan St., Dana Point. Tickets $20. Call or e-mail Claire Woodruff for tickets, (949) 244-6656, clair@trjohnsonhomes.com. A portion of proceeds goes to the Dana Point Woman's Club.

For a list of activities for O.C. singles, or to order Tom's books, click on www.finding loveafter50.com.