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Finding love after 50. The website for middle aged singles and senior singles, providing information and dating advice for middle age dating and senior
dating. This column's topic: Hidden Dating Language
Beware of "hidden dating language"
By Tom Blake
Barbara Barnes of Newport Beach responded to one of my columns about a Harley Davidson biker's reasons for not dating Bobbi Pyle, age 48,
of Anaheim.
Barbara says, "There is a hidden 'dating language' that over-50 daters should learn." Barbara feels if singles understood the hidden language, a great deal
of heartache could be avoided.
In the Bobbi-and-the-biker column to which Barbara was referring, Bobbi rationalized why the biker didn't want a relationship: "He told me he's very attracted
to me, but that he's not looking for a girlfriend right now. I found out I scared him because I looked like his ex-wife who really hurt him."
Barbara commented on the biker's two excuses: "The 'I'm not looking for a girlfriend right now' line simply means you're not the woman for me. And, the 'I
can't be with you because you remind me of my ex-wife, ex-girlfriend, etc., who hurt me so much' line means you're not the one, but I don't want to hurt your feelings."
Bobbi's biker eventually went back to his ex.
Barbara commented on that scenario also, "The 'My ex-wife, girlfriend, etc., called and wants to get back together' means you're not the one and I don't ever
want to hear from you again."
Perhaps Barbara is an expert on "hidden dating language" because she meets so many singles in Newport Beach, which is a dating world unto itself.
Whatever the source of Barbara's expertise, I think she's right on the money. When "hidden dating language" starts to fly, don't spend too much time analyzing it, just pack
your tent and move on.
John Morgan of Westminster said he dated a bright, intelligent, independent woman for five-and-a-half wonderful months. He said she had her "space," time
for her family and friends, and told him he was everything she was looking for.
But, "She found herself seeking to find the real person she strives to be," John said.
That sounds like the Army's "Be all you can be" slogan. Perhaps she should have joined the Army and maintained her relationship with John.
In another situation, Madeline Ralston of Orange, who describes herself as a "lady of sixty-something," dated a widower of two years who had been married
for 50 years. "Within six months, we had declared our mutual love and were talking of marriage," Madeline said.
"Then he suddenly did a 180-degree change in his attitude about our relationship. He re-explained his feelings/fears several ways over time. Sometimes
saying nothing had changed he just want a little more time to be sure of our relationship. Sometimes saying he liked his freedom too much to have a lady in his life full time."
When you hear "hidden dating language," remember Barbara's interpretation: the guy doesn't want to make a commitment to you (at least, not now).
Pack up your toys and move on. None of us wants to be with a person who doesn't want to be with us
READER COMMENTS
Comments regarding last week's column about Bonnie Vandenberg--dating when your spouse has Alzheimer's.
Bob Pace, Irvine: "Good column--you always tackle the tough ones. On this one, I agreed."
Victoria Maker, Mission Viejo: "Bonnie has gone above and beyond to take care of her husband , but needs to take care of her needs as well.
Go for it Bonnie and have joy in your life."
Mary Martin, San Clemente: "If I had a spouse burdened with my care, I would want him to find whatever solace he could."
Another woman said: "It's not anybody's fault that my spouse is ill, however, because he's in a nursing home, my life shouldn't end. I don't feel I need to
sit home mourning alone for the rest of my life-I've already done that for the last ten years."
One woman was appalled at Bonnie's question, but she
refused to be identified.
Have a story or comment to share? E-mail Tom at
tompblake@gmail.com. Include your full name and city.
For past columns: www.findingloveafter50.com
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