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Finding love after 50. The website for middle aged singles and senior singles, providing information and dating advice for middle age dating and senior
dating. This column's topic: Heal before dating again.
Heal before dating again.
When people become single after years of marriage
or being in a relationship, they need to heal from
their loss before jumping into the dating arena. This is particularly
important to widows and widowers who've been married for many years.
No one understands this better than a 42-year-old
Orange County woman named Patty, who asked that
her last name be withheld.
Patty shared her experience, "I was dating a widower,
age 44, a single father of two lovely daughters,
ages 11 and 15. This gentleman had lost his wife
to cancer. He had been with
her since he was 14, married her when he was 21,
and lost her when he was 42. She was with him for
(nearly) his entire life. A year after her passing, he
decided it was time to enter the world of dating."
Patty said the widower had "a few crummy dates,
some meaningless sex, but nothing that 'wowed' him."
Then, 16 months after losing his wife, he met Patty.
"He thought he was ready for a meaningful
relationship. He was lonely and wanted a counter-
part in his life. From the first minute, we got along 'splendidly'
and were a perfect compliment to each other. All
seemed to be going so well. I met his children,
mother, siblings and friends. We did a lot together.
Everything was perfect," said Patty.
And then things changed. Patty said, "He hit a wall and totally
retracted from our relationship, saying it was too much,
too soon for him. It was like his brain did a 360-
degree-flip."
Patty feels that widowed people need to grieve and deal
with their grief before moving on. "Being lonely for
companionship is not enough of a reason to seek another
love. The true premise should be that these widows/widowers
actually are ready for a relationship and HAVE SOMETHING
TO CONTRIBUTE towards it, not just GET SOMETHING
FROM it."
Author John Gray, in his excellent book "Mars and Venus Starting
Over," writes that people need to go through
four stages of healing before getting involved in a new
relationship. And if they try to get involved before properly
healing, they won't have the capacity in their hearts to
give.
Patty said, "The result of rushing into a relationship can be
devastating to all
concerned: the widower, the new love, the children, even grieving
family and friends. It creates heartache and confusion, when out
of nowhere, these seemingly good relationships end abruptly."
A widower friend of Patty's explained to her what he had gone
through when he had lost his wife years before. He told Patty
he had been angry, defiant, selfish, confused, miserable and felt
guilty that he was betraying his late wife. He broke up with his
girlfriend eight times in three years when they started dating. Now,
he's married to her. He told Patty that the timing in her
relationship had been wrong--that she had entered it
in the eye of the new widower's personal storm.
Still, Patty doesn't understand why she isn't more readily handling
the break up. "I'm 42, no kids, college-degreed, business owner.
I'm smart, yet, I can't seem to shake off this guy and move on to
a 'better, more ideal' situation," said Patty.
Patty needs to realize that when we love someone who seems
perfect for us, we want it to work and we try hard. When we give
love like that--which is the way love is supposed to be--we
become vulnerable and when we lose it, we hurt.
The problem may have been that her widower wasn't mentally
ready. He had been with his wife for 28 years, but started to date
only 12 months after losing her. He likely needed more time.
Or, perhaps he had other reasons for ending the relationship.
In a strange reversal, now Patty has to let time heal her wounds
before getting involved with a new love.
Patty offered advice for widowed or divorced people who
are thinking about re-entering the dating world:
"Ask yourself, 'Am I ready for a quality relationship?' If not,
hold off doing it because you just might break someone's heart.
That's my side of the story, the broken-hearted side."
Patty hopes that her former boyfriend will heal and prepare himself
for
a relationship again. "Hopefully, still with me," she said, "so I
wait, the
compassionate and patient ex."
The lesson for single adults: Before getting
involved with someone--whether or not they're
fresh out of a relationship--be sure he or she
is mentally available, and has healed properly
from past relationships, so similar heartbreak
doesn't happen to you.
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READER COMMENTS
Leslie, Orange County, "I wonder about women as described
in your last column who stay for years in relationships
where the men have taken advantage of them from
the very beginning. It's important to remember, while people may
grow with self-motivation, they rarely change,
especially for someone else. If we recognize the way a man treats
us at the beginning is the way he's going to treat
us for the duration, we wouldn't rationalize
destructive relationships and allow them to continue
for one, two or even five years."
Janet Mariani, Dallas, "I can't believe women wait
so long to end a go-nowhere relationship. They are
unconscious, blindly leading the same old existence.
And I can't tell you how many prominent men I have
gone out with and dropped because their morals are
from a snake."
David, Orange County, "Your topics of late have not
reflected fairness (to men). I'm looking forward to
hearing about how to spot and avoid women who
are emotional cripples, co-dependents, liars by
omission or gold-diggers, or who want all of the perks of chivalry and liberation with none of the
concessions."
John M, Westminster, "I'm new to this dating after
50 and use your column for reality checks."
Response: Sometimes, reality isn't so pretty.
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