Response to
After Four Years of Commitment

Dec. 19, 2002 Men respond to woman's plight

BLAKE: South County adviser on middle-age relationships

By TOM BLAKE For The Register's South County Weekly Newspapers

Most responses about columns come from women. But some columns bring men out of the woodwork. Such was the case with last week's about Cat of Aliso Viejo, who ended a four-year relationship with a man because he didn't want to commit or live with her.

In today's column, four men from different parts of the country share their opinions about Cat's dilemma and decision.

Jerry of Long Beach e-mailed: "I speak from the perspective of still looking for a mate five years after my divorce. Cat had a good relationship with an honest man. Unfortunately (for her), it didn't lead to marriage.

"I don't know if her years with him were a 'waste of time.' Would she have met someone better or gotten married if she had broken up with the guy after six months? I suspect she got almost as much out of it as he did.

"There is no guaranty that breaking up with somebody is going to lead you to find your 'true love,' which is hard to find."

Sid Showalter, a former DePauw University (Greencastle, Ind.) schoolmate of mine, now living in Boca Raton, Fla., e-mailed: "Being a person who has never married and thus has no kids, I can put a woman first. I'm looking for a woman who can and will do the same.

"Middle age is not the time to compromise on someone who isn't going to put the same effort into the relationship."

Mason Grigsby, author, San Francisco, e-mailed, "What's wrong with a relationship in which both are loyal, they don't date others, they 'love' one another and just continue forever? Assuming they do a lot of things together and are committed, what's the problem?

"Many women would love a relationship that 'committed' even though it wasn't a marriage.

"My advice ... stay in the relationship, so what if he doesn't marry you, that's not the end all. It's being with one another that counts.

"Cat needs to rethink her goals."

Mason added that he knows a lady who made a similar decision as Cat. "She's been miserable ever since. She wants him back and has said, 'What was I thinking? I thought I needed to be married, all I wanted was a committed relationship, which I had and threw away.'"

John Johnson, Washington, D.C., shared: "Cat let herself get involved with someone who is emotionally unavailable. In addition to chemistry and communication, emotional availability is needed to attain commitment with someone. If she finds someone with similar goals of creating a loving relationship, then she will be on the right track for happiness."

The four men made excellent points. I think each would agree on this about couples and commitment: When people begin to date, each needs to make their expectations and wants clear.

If expectations don't mesh, the person who wants more needs to make a decision on whether to stay or move on, realizing that the other person probably won't ever change.

Weekly comments:

Mary, San Clemente: "Women think they can change men. It doesn't happen! When the red flags go up, BAIL!" Response: Men can't change women either.

Marjorie, Mission Viejo: "Last night, my daughter and I went to the Dana Point Boat Parade. What a fun and nice thing to do. You might suggest it as a wonderful first date or 100th date for some." Response: Good date suggestion. The parade is also this Friday and Saturday nights. My deli crew will be guests Friday on Marilyn and Jerry Moskowitz's boat.

Michele, San Juan Capistrano: "Do you find single life is an art?" Response: It shouldn't be, but some game players try to make it an art. Dating should be natural and fun.

To comment on Middle Age Relationships, e-mail TPBlake@aol.com or write P.O. Box 442, Dana Point, CA, 92629. Please include your full name and city of residence.