First date conversations;
some good, some bad, some ugly
How to tackle talking on first dates
By TOM BLAKE
For The Register's South County Weekly Newspapers
At the recent AARP convention, a woman from Oshkosh, Wis., said she had just been divorced after a 30-year marriage.
"I'm shy," she said, "What do I talk about on a first date?"
Middle age dating can be daunting for someone who hasn't had a date in 30 years.
I told her to be herself, that most topics of conversation are safe and date-correct.
Others are a turnoff and should be avoided.
Later, I thought more about her question, and came up with this list that applies to both men and women.
First date topics to avoid, particularly ulterior-motive questions and innuendoes:
- Make no references to sex. When people hint about sex, they have ulterior motives.
- Don't ask: "What year did you graduate from high school or college?" Some people don't want to reveal their age. Hence, a guy shouldn't ask to see the picture on a woman's driver's license.
- Avoid financially probing questions. You don't want to send a message that you're digging for gold. Don't ask what kind of car she or he drives, or whether your date owns a home or how big it is.
- Avoid discussing politics and religion, they're too personal and potentially explosive.
- Work-related questions are acceptable. Ask where he works, how long he's been there and what his responsibilities are. Avoid saying: "Wow, you must make good money." And don't make any reference to how much he earns.
Safe topics to discuss:
- Where your date grew up and went to school. This is a good icebreaker topic for both of you.
- A person's interests and hobbies. What sports he likes — camping, hiking, fishing, football, golf or tennis. You may discover you share the same interests, which might lead to doing activities together.
- Whether a person likes to travel and where he has traveled. Perhaps you've been to a common destination. You may find you both love to travel and fill the evening's discussion with travel dreams (or plans).
- The person's family. Whether he has children, how many and where they live. If he has three pre-teenagers living with him, you need to know that before getting involved.
- Ask about his parents. Listen for clues on what his relationship with them is like. If a man treats his mother well, he'll likely treat the woman in his life well.
- Ask about his relationship goals. Do they mesh with yours? If you're seeking a committed relationship and he's a bachelor for life, best to find that out early also.
Remember these points:
- Keep conversations in good taste.
- Be humble. Don't try to sell yourself by bragging about your accomplishments or how wonderful you are.
- Be positive and upbeat. Put your best foot forward.
- Don't judge a person too quickly. Realize your date could be nervous, and behind that trembling lip might be a diamond-in-the-rough, a person perfect for you if only
you'll give him or her some time. And don't try to be somebody you're not.
So, whether you live in Oshkosh, or Orange County, keep those first date conversations light and fun.
Weekly comments:
Mary, San Clemente: "In a new relationship, the bond may never be given a chance if the parties feel the other is not 'financially wise.
'At the risk of sounding like a cynic, money makes the world go round, not love."
Response: I'd say it's a combination of both.
Robin, Buena Park: "Love is about support toward your significant other in his or her goals, unconditional love and personal growth for both of you.
It's not about trying to mold the person into what he or she isn't — due to your fears."
Response: You're right, but it's hard for some to live by that wisdom.
To comment on Middle Age Relationships, e-mail
TPBlake@aol.com or write P.O. Box 442, Dana Point, CA, 92629. Please include your full name and city of residence.
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