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Ex husbands. Ex wives. Should they remain friends? Author and columnist Tom Blake provides dating information and advice for widowers, widows,
divorced men, divorced women, middle-aged singles boomer singles and senior singles who are dating again and hope to meet a mate.
Friends with ex spouses?
© 2004 by Tom Blake
To what end?
By TOM BLAKE
For The Register's South County Weekly Newspapers
June 17, 2004
Wives and former wives, husbands and former husbands. Friends or foes? To communicate or not? It depends.
Many readers – triggered by last week's story about school teacher Pam's retirement party – shared their opinions.
At the party, Pam's new husband and former husband sat together and expressed admiration for her. The story struck a chord with many people who've
had similar situations.
Dr. Mary Pat Wylie, Irvine, a relationship coach (www.JourneyToLove.com), wrote, "After 22 years of marriage and 14 years of being single, my former
husband – remarried five years ago and father of our five children – and I have always kept our children first in our lives, and shared a workable relationship.
"I also have an endearing relationship with his wife and we together share the joys of our children as an extended family."
Joy, Corona del Mar, said, "Last week's column touched me because my ex-husband and I have worked so hard to have a good relationship for our grown
daughters."
Joy raised the issue that when a person expresses bitterness over a past relationship, it can negatively affect a new relationship. If someone disparages
a former spouse, it could be a red flag. Learning to forgive and move forward shows maturity. Admittedly, it may take time for a person to forgive and arrive at this more
enlightened place.
Children are an important reason why former spouses need to keep in touch. But beyond the kids, some people questioned whether there's a need at all.
Ann, Point Loma, commented about a man she's considering dating: "He doesn't want to be friends with his ex even though she has suggested they
remain friends. If the kids are grown and out of the nest, there doesn't seem to be the necessity to be friends."
Connie, of San Clemente said, "When I read about Jim playing golf and tennis weekly with his former spouse, I had an adverse reaction.
Seems great to remain on friendly terms, but the cords of attachment should be severed in fairness to the new spouses."
But another thought brought to my attention: Would that leave some exes out of family events like weddings, graduations and holidays?
Kit, Milwaukee, Wis., e-mailed, "Helen Gurley Brown, former editor of Cosmopolitan Magazine, said we need at least three spouses for successive stages of
life. Hopefully, both partners mature in compatible ways, but if they don't, Pam's success leaves us all hopeful."
Robin, Buena Park, finds herself in an unusual arrangement. "Most people grimace when they hear I work with my former husband's new wife, but the two
of us are remarkably similar in many ways. I truly like her. Many could use a reminder that burning a bridge on a past relationship is not always a wise thing to do."
WEEKLY COMMENTS:
Don, Seal Beach: "Your article was a great tribute to Pam, as well as to the two mature, sensitive and intelligent gentlemen."
Cynthia, Erie, Pa.: "I'll be 66 next week and sometimes think I'm going through adolescence again because I didn't do well when I was there the
first time."
Response: You aren't alone in your frustration. Many older singles feel the same way.
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