Ending Relationships--when is the time?
Monday, October 13, 2003
Tom Blake's Single Again column.
By TOM BLAKE
Special to the Register
Are you in a relationship that isn't working out the way you want? And you don't know what to do about it because you're stuck?
Usually, people write me about breaking up and ending relationships during the Christmas holidays. But recently, I heard from three women who felt they weren't getting enough from their relationships and decided to do something about it now.
Marline, of Dana Point is a bright, intelligent and attractive middle-age woman. I've known her for several years. Marline said, "I've been paying more than half of EVERYTHING (and always have) with my current dating partner of several months. He and I live about an hour apart and I do more than half the driving. Some of us get so caught up in the things we think we have in common with someone that we justify going way out of our way to do our fair share.
"Many women, myself included, have a tendency to plan, pay, drive, help, share and repair relationships; some people take advantage of that. Many men must feel that way too."
Marline said her relationship has been an on-and-off-again situation for three years.
"I've called this relationship off before and before and before. The relationship will never go anywhere; it never really did, unless I did all of the work.
"I initiated everything and was caught up in the fact that I met someone who finally enjoyed doing so many things that I liked." Although Marline found ending it "incredibly difficult," she finally did.
Edith, Long Island, N.Y., e-mailed: "I treated my boyfriend to a Broadway show for his birthday, then we went out to eat. He ran in and out to the street to put a quarter in the parking meter. When he came back, I ordered a cup of coffee and a piece of cake for myself. He said, 'You ordered that?' and ate most of my cake, slammed a $20 bill down and told me to pay the rest. Never in almost two years did he bring me a small present, or flowers!
"I ended the relationship because he isn't bothered that he hasn't worked one day in three years and has continuously waited for me to pay half of my dinner or lunch."
A third women, who requested anonymity, explained why she ended a relationship: "I stuffed so much down over five years in order to rationalize the relationship that my body must finally know it's 'safe,' and I've been flooded with memories and thoughts - most are of scenes of hurt and compromise, and me not having the presence or desire to take a stand to stop it.
"Some women with blind spots who like a nurturing role forget to pay attention to whether an appropriate response is coming from the man. ... I have a desire to be with a partner with energy and curiosity about life - so it felt like his 'charm' and sporadic zest was worth the lack of other important elements. But, that was a major tradeoff."
Before you decide to end a relationship, think the decision through thoroughly.
Tina Tessina, a Long Beach author and therapist (www.tinatessina.com), cautions against ending a relationship too soon: "It's worthwhile to step back from your focus on what you're not getting and take a look at what you are getting. I recommend weighing the pros and cons of this relationship against the pros and cons of being alone. Happiness often means settling for 80 percent of what you want, instead of 100 percent. The key is knowing whether staying together is worth it or not."
Who said middle-age romance is easy?
READER'S COMMENTS
Peggy, Yorba Linda: "I enjoy your column. I'm not close to 50 but am entering the singles scene again and think the points you make apply pretty much to all life stages." Response: Romance can be wonderful or difficult, regardless of age.
Burl, Mission Viejo: "I've gone back to the gym. Too many people stop being active when they get older (I'm 59). Looks do play a part in dating and marriage. If you don't care enough to work out and take care of yourself, what do you care about?"
Vivian, Anaheim: "I'm 58 and my husband is 34. We've been together 9 years, married 41/2 years. We have a good marriage. I also have a friend who has a similar relationship, but not married, and they too are extremely happy."
Response: Older women dating younger men? I'm all for it, as long as both the woman and man are happy.
Have a question or story you'd like to share? E-mail me at
TPBlake@aol.com. Please include full name and city. You may also request Tom's separate weekly Register community newspaper columns, sent by e-mail at no charge. Web site:
www.findingloveafter50.com Mailing address: P.O. Box 442, Dana Point, CA 92629.
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