Single Again:
Reasons to End a Match
© Tom Blake 2004
Author and columnist Tom Blake
provides dating
information and advice for widowers, widows, divorced men, divorced
women, middle-aged singles boomer singles and senior singles who are
dating again and hope to meet a mate.
'Can't Stands' and other reasons
for ending a possible match
© Tom Blake 2004
Register columnist
You're chatting online with someone interesting who shares your values, interests and beliefs. Although you haven't met in person, talked on the phone or even e-mailed, you're thinking, "Maybe." And then, out of the blue, he writes, "I don't think our 'Must Haves' and 'Can't Stands' fit." And with that, he disappears from your computer screen - and your life - forever.
Most singles would be scratching their heads wondering what in the world happened. But not people who use eharmony.com to seek love. They understand "Must Haves" and "Can't Stands." Those terms are a part of people's profiles that members are required to fill out before they're allowed to unleash themselves in search of a match.
Making oneself disappear is easy. You just click the "close match" button, blocking the person with whom you were chatting from further communication with you. It's a snub without the embarrassment. Gina Woodruff, 39, of Long Beach shared her eharmony.com experiences: "After the 'close match' button is clicked, the system requires the person who closed it to choose from a set of reasons why he or she wasn't interested. One of the choices is the 'Must Haves' and 'Can't Stands' option."
There are other reasons people disappear. Gina says she experienced one that puzzled her: the "I don't feel the chemistry is there" option, particularly when she hadn't even communicated by e-mail with the guy. "It struck me as an unusual use of the word 'chemistry.' I would reserve that term for someone I'd met face-to-face and had a conversation with," said Gina.
She says other "close match" options include "I have too much happening in my life at the moment," "I am pursuing another relationship," and "I am taking a break from dating." To me, those three statements sound like excuses rather than reasons. If they're true, why is the person still on the Internet trying to meet people?
Gina shared another option: "I'm just not ready for the next step." The next step? The guy hasn't met you and he's worried about the next step?
Another clickable option: "I think our family backgrounds are too different." This one puzzles me. When people go out on a date, do they each bring Mom, Dad and their siblings? And the families don't get along? "Pass the butter, Bozo," says your brother. "Get it yourself, Dork," says her brother. And then you say, "Sorry, the relationship is over. Our families aren't compatible. Too bad, I thought we had a match."
Joe Follick of Santa Monica shared a brush-off line a woman recently used on him: "A man I'm interested in is breaking up with his girlfriend, and I want to be by the phone in case he calls." No wonder Joe feels dating in Los Angeles is so bizarre.
Once a woman I was dating ended our relationship. "Why?" I asked.
"Because I'm so happy." "So why end it?" I asked.
"Finally, I can date him."
There's a silver lining in being rejected, whether it's via the "close match" button or some other cold-hearted way: Why would we want to be with somebody who doesn't want to be with us? My fear, after penning this column, is that readers will hit the "close match" button and disappear forever out of my life. Don't touch that button.
Reader Comments
Gary, Orange County: "I'm active online and am blown away at people's dishonesty. I get enough 'action' online that I don't need to embellish or shade the truth."
Maggie Greenfield, Orange County: "Each of us has to get up, clean up, get out and do something with what God has given us. If we aren't willing to share, then we can't expect to get anything in return no matter how good-looking or powerful we may be."
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