Finding love after 50. The website for middle aged singles and senior singles, providing information and dating advice for middle age dating and senior dating. This column's topic: Dating too soon after separating from a wife or a spouse. And allowing sex too soon.

Dating too soon after a marriage separation

One of the problems facing new singles is they simply aren't prepared to date. A woman I know is a good example.

She wrote: My ex-husband and I separated two and a half months ago. Eager to date, I responded to an Internet personals ad and met Jimmy (not his real name), who I've been dating about seven weeks.

Gee, she waited three weeks to get out there, what took her so long? Also, her husband is not an ex-husband, she's still married to him.

She continued, Jimmy was quite the aggressor in the relationship, he talked about the future, introduced me to his family, called and/or wrote me instant messages four to six times a day-his initiative, not mine.

I would say she was getting the big rush.

Two weeks ago, he said he thought I was getting more serious than he, that he wasn't prepared for a serious relationship, and couldn't make any promises about the future.

He said he doesn't want to see anyone else, but can't see me as often as I want him to, she said.

Why did Jimmy change? I don't know, but I can guess. She probably gave in sexually to him and then he lost interest.

Or, perhaps it's because after five weeks of dating, Jimmy decided he didn't want her as much as he first thought. Perhaps she just wasn't the right woman for him.

His ex still lives in his house and will for a few more months. He has a mother who needs attention, and he has two grandkids who demand a lot of his time. When I find myself alone on a Saturday night, I don't like it, she said.

This woman needs to learn to be alone, like herself, and then when she's ready, begin to date. She's too needy, the biggest turnoff in relationships.

Suddenly, Jimmy has multiple excuses why he's tied up (perhaps, a bad choice of words on my part). Grandkids who demand his time? On Saturday night? Really now.

He still calls her and they chat 4-6 times per day. I don't understand what all of this means, she said, am I a fool to wait the few months until his ex moves out, hoping to see him more often? Is that too long to wait at this stage in my life? He has so many good qualities and seems to have such a good character I don't want to give him up, she said.

I told her: You need to come up for air. He gave you the big rush to corral you, perhaps conquer you, and then, when you were no longer a challenge, he changed directions. Since he's of such fine character, he's probably not intentionally playing a game, but it's still a game.And you're the pawn. By saying he doesn't want to date others, he's keeping her on the hook.

I also said: Stop worrying about losing him because you don't have him, only part of him. He may have good qualities but treating you well isn't one of them. His ex isn't the problem, your naivety is.

When we first become single, we do foolish things. I sure did. We think if we don't find somebody right away, opportunity is gone forever. We pursue rebound relationships. We compromise ourselves, and often our morals and principles.

Slow down. Back off. Don't let Jimmy use you.

Reader Comments and Tom's Responses:

Victoria, no city: Too much togetherness seems to smother individuality as well as the relationship. Response: If people would understand only that, many more relationships would endure.

Anonymous woman, Laguna Niguel: Females older than 50 becoming involved in any kind of relationship is statistically less than the possibility of being killed in an 8.0 earthquake. Response: I think she meant finding a relationship for a woman over 50 is difficult. Granted, but a positive attitude can improve the chances.

Linda, Dana Point: The mindset of many men at a singles function is to brush the room and leave. Response: Brushing the room is also known as painter's mentalitu.

Ruth, Mission Viejo: It does matter which person can afford more than the other. Most often, the man gets a larger Social Security or paycheck. Response: You missed what I wrote. In a relationship, each much contribute equally. If one can't contribute financially, they'd better contribute in other ways. It's not about who can more easily afford it.