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Chemistry in dating for older singles. Author and columnist Tom Blake provides dating information and advice for widowers, widows, divorced men, divorced women, middle-aged singles boomer singles and senior singles who are dating again and hope to meet a mate.
Chemistry in Dating
© 2004 by Tom Blake
By TOM BLAKE
For The Register's South County Weekly Newspapers
May 6, 2004
Recently I published an article containing this comment from a widower: "I think the Internet is not for me when it comes to meeting women. I prefer to meet the person first to see if there may be chemistry between us."
An innocent enough statement, I thought. But, the word "chemistry" triggered strong responses from women.
Shirley Budhos, New York City, e-mailed, "I find the word 'chemistry' loathsome, because it's adolescent and dishonest.
"Men have often used the expression 'chemistry' and I resent it. Somehow, they seem to think that they make all of the choices. Love, affection, good will, kindness, friendship, all those things are as important, and that romantic, superficial, instantaneous spark may occur in a different way now that we are seasoned adults."
Jennifer Marks, Orange, said, "Chemistry is a combination of physical and emotional/mental attraction between people. When you first meet
someone, each person senses the physical aspect of the other, but the emotional/mental aspect isn't known yet.
"Some men make the mistake of relying solely on the physical attraction. Men who have never been married or who have had several failed relationships often do this. They reduce 'chemistry' to sex appeal alone. These men go from one short-term, disappointing relationship to another."
From Tallahassee, Fla., Belinda Jarrard, e-mailed, "I hate it when someone is looking for 'chemistry.' When a man says 'chemistry' it means only one thing. I've been on too many first dates that went nowhere because the man didn't feel 'chemistry.'
"You can talk with someone for months on the Internet and on the phone and suddenly when you meet them in person, that special chemistry you had together vanishes."
Edie Dickinson, Raleigh, N.C., said, "As a woman, I feel that chemistry is physical, emotion, etc. That woman 'thing' about connecting on many levels. Physical chemistry is important but not the end-all be-all."
Men rarely go into as much detail as women when defining "chemistry." Last week, I asked one of my single male friends ? two unmarried women were seated with us ? what the word meant to him. Without hesitation, he answered, "It means you want to take someone to bed."
Not all men define "chemistry" so bluntly or narrowly. Most men view "chemistry" as wanting to be with a person because you have common interests, backgrounds or goals. A feeling that "we easily converse and can talk for hours."
But men also feel that physical attraction must be a part of that mix. Some, like my friend above, get the cart before the horse. Regardless of a person's definition of "chemistry," both sexes tend to agree that in the long run, without it, a relationship will lack spark.
"Chemistry is the 'word.' The guy may be rich, handsome, etc., but forget it if you don't click," said Kathleen Tinch, Aliso Viejo. Anna Baker, 49,
Talent, Ore., a widow, e-mailed, "Chemistry is essential for me, and a certain amount of intensity is also attractive."
And from Turkey, on her sailboat, Gwen Bylund e-mailed, "Chemistry is as important in older age as it was in one's teens."
Differences in the definition of the word "chemistry" remind us of why middle-age compatibility between women and men is so elusive.
Weekly comments
Bern Grucza, Elma, N.Y.: "You're a great spokesperson for our generation of 'retreads.'"
Response: Retreads? Hey Bern, we're just getting started.
Sandi Benson, Tustin: "It isn't only the widow/widower who needs to heal after the loss of a spouse, we all need to heal after we've been in a long-term relationship."
Response: For many, a breakup is just as devastating.
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