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Finding love after 50. The website for middle aged singles and senior singles. This column's topic: Dating when
your spouse has Alzheimer's
Dating when your spouse has Alzheimer's
Bonnie, age 56, Capistrano Beach, Calif., is a gutsy, loyal and dedicated wife with a dilemma.
Bonnie shared her story: "My husband is in a nursing home with end-stage Alzheimer's.
I had cared for him at home for nine years before it became too much for me. He is near to my home and I see him often. I'm younger than he. I've been married my entire adult life except for a brief period in my thirties.
Bonnie shared her story: "My husband is in a nursing home with end-stage Alzheimer's. I had cared for him at home for nine years before it became too much for me. He is near to my home and I see him often. I'm younger than he. I've been married my entire adult life except for a brief period in my thirties.
"You may find there are a lot of people out there like me who have spent so much time caring for a loved one that they have put their own needs on the back burner. Then, they wake up one day and realize that the person they've cared for has become a shell of his or her former self, unable to even communicate or understand the sacrifice you've made."
"I guess it becomes a moral issue as to whether I am cheating on him by going out and dating. I feel my life is fleeting by. People suggest I just go out to eat at a nice place once in a while, but they don't understand that at age 56, you still have physical needs. I was wondering what others think."
My friend of 45 years, Ana, of Chicago shared her thoughts on Bonnie's question,Ana e-mailed, "When my sister met the love of her life, she was 65, he was 80. They became friends, dance partners, and my sister began going with him to visit his wife, who was in a care facility, suffering from Alzheimer's. The man went to see his wife every day, whether his wife knew it or not.
As the staff of the home became acquainted with my sister, they told her and the devoted husband to go and live their own lives. The two were able to begin a wonderful love affair-that was approved wholeheartedly by the children on both sides--and still visited to ensure the wife was properly being cared for until she died.
"The new relationship lasted a short five years, until my sister's untimely death at age 70. This wonderful, loving man succumbed to lung cancer a year later, having outlived two wives, and then my sister. His heart was broken. He confided to me that no one 'took his heart' as did my sister.
"Life is unpredictably short and we all deserve whatever love and joy is available to us."
Patty of Orange County, referring to a later in life love affair, simply said, "Life is for the living."
So, in answer to Bonnie's dilemma--and her question-is it okay at this stage in her husband's illness to create a new life for herself-this is my answer and my opinion.
Go for it Bonnie, you've taken care of your spouse for years, there's nothing more you can do, you deserve a chance at happiness, and I hope you find it, as Jane's sister did.
READER COMMENTS
Mary, San Clemente, "Kudos to you for writing about a taboo (men and sex) subject!" Response: Kudos to our family newspaper for being nlightened enough to cover this important topic.
Rosie, Staten Island, New York: "In the AARP study of 3,500 singles, are they just from California?"
Note from Tom: I was happy to hear from Rose. She commutes by ferry to Manhattan and I was worried about her, but she wasn't involved in the accident. The AARP study covered singles all over the United States.
Nancy Skaggs, San Clemente: "I have seen those commercials (Viagra, etc.) on TV. I immediately put my TV control on 'mute' until it's over." Response: I imagine the worst of those commercials are yet to come Have a story or comment to share? E-mail Tom at
TPBlake@aol.com.
Include your full name and city. For past columns:
www.findingloveafter50.com
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