Widowers. Should you be careful about dating them? Author and columnist Tom Blake provides dating information and advice for widowers, widows,
divorced men, divorced women, middle-aged singles boomer singles and senior singles who are dating again and hope to meet a mate.
Widowers-Beware when dating
© 2004 by Tom Blake
Beware When Dating a Widower
Orange County Register May 10, 2004
You meet a widower who's interested in dating you. Should you be cautious?
Judy, Hacienda Heights, a widow, thinks so, "Dating will not heal wounds; time will. A widower needs family and friends if he is still in that place of hurt and
"I've met some wonderful men online but the healing factor kept me from getting involved. They weren't mentally available, therefore unable to put the energy
into a relationship. Alone time is healthy too," said Judy.
Phyl, Anaheim Hills, wrote, "Before saying 'hello' to someone new, you have to say 'goodbye' to that person who has been your best friend, companion and
lover for many years."
Phyl's right. Any person who has suffered a loss from a death or a breakup needs time to heal and should avoid dating too soon.
From St. Paul, Mn., a woman e-mailed, "I've been on the dating scene for three years and have found most men haven't healed from the loss of their partner,
aren't ready for dating and are trying to find the same lady as their partner."
And this from Liz: "I've been dating a widower for six years. We're both 62. His wife died 13 years ago. He still has his children at home. One son is 28 and the
other is 24. The older one is getting married soon and his new bride will be living in the same house.
"He's never taken the pictures off the refrigerator that his wife put there. Everything is the same as it was 13 years ago. He never got over his loss. I'll never
date a widower again."
Linda, wrote, "I'm dating a man whose wife passed away last September. They had a good marriage and were much in love. He assures me he wants to
move on and be in a relationship. We're both 51. My problem: I'm afraid of being in the shadow of this woman if I decide to spend my life with him."
From Sharon, Ma., Ellen wrote, "Dating before you're ready isn't fair to you or the person you date. I've been seeing a widower who is still madly in love with his
wife. She died two years ago and he can't let me in. I have to start looking for another close friend."
A widow of four years, Shell, 47, Dover, Oh., e-mailed: "I've been dating a 52-year-old widower of only one year. In the bedroom there is a giant picture of he and
his wife on their wedding day. Plus, on her side of the bed, the night stand is like this little shrine that has been set up."
Shell enjoys the widower but is concerned because he wants her to move in. She says she's not jealous but adds: "I don't want to live with a ghost."
(note from Tom: Shell sent this e-mail two weeks later:
"He had told me that he would never remarry...he had all of his wife's pictures and
things still around the house...well when I told him that I just couldn't be a live-in for the rest of my life and about the pictures and things like that...he told me goodbye....so yes
some people need more time to deal with being alone...finding themselves. I am sure that it is not that way for everyone...but one does have to really step back and
take a look...see the signs. Thanks for your help."
Dating a widower for two years, Lauren, Rosyln, N.Y., shared, "He wanted everything in the beginning, was moving very fast, and then it all fell apart as he went
back to grieving her. I shall stay away from a widower if it has been under four years since the passing of his loved one."
These women aren't being critical of widowers as people. They are simply stating that attempting to date one too soon after his loss isn't wise.
Modesto Widower Still Grieving
Some widowers begin dating within months after losing their spouses, but not Rick, 67, Modesto. Rick was married 32 years. He believes the quality of the
marriage determines the depth of the hurt. "My wife and I were best friends and did everything together. We had a plan and now my life has taken a 180-degree turn.
"People grieve in their own time and way. After ten months, I still spend Saturdays on a bench at the cemetery and can't stop crying. I'll never get over this, just
maybe through it.
"A couple of women have called and asked me out. I wouldn't feel uncomfortable," said Rick.
Women should proceed with caution when becoming involved with a widower. If he hasn't healed, there likely will be trouble down the road.
Phyllis, Orange: "Your column about Spain reminded me of a trip my late husband and I took a couple of years ago. My advice: if there is a place you want to
visit, an experience you wish to have, do it or you will surely have regrets."
Sally, Farmington, Ct., "I read your book, 'Finding Love After 50: How to Begin. Where to Go. What to Do' There are a great deal of road blocks for seniors and
your book was most helpful."