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Friday, April 18, 2003
Coffee and a name card can break the ice
Mike Walczak is single, shy and finds striking up a conversation with
women difficult.
"Without some outside occurrence causing an 'opening,' saying hello seems
too forced or cliché-like," says Mike.
He's not alone. Shyness affects men and women. What are some ways to break
the ice if you want to meet a stranger to whom you're attracted?
I suggested to Mike that he say, "If you're single, would you like to join
me for a cup of coffee?" If the woman hesitates, hand her a business card
and say, "I don't ask women to call me, but if you think about my offer
and decide having coffee would be OK, you'll know how to reach me."
Easier said than done, but what have you got to lose? At least you're not
fumbling around, trying to come up with some stupid line that women find
pathetic.
Gale Dundrea e-mailed: "Most women I know over 50 are totally turned off
by the man with a 'line.' After all, we're well over 20 and have heard
them all. A simple statement of greeting or a question is best. In a
supermarket ask a woman for help in choosing an item. Be yourself."
Gordon Clay - now living in Brookings, Ore. - and I worked together in San Francisco
in the 1970s. Gordon reminded me that the Marina Safeway had a reputation
as a place to meet singles on Wednesday nights. Gordon said, "I remember
going to produce, picking up an artichoke and asking someone I was
attracted to how to prepare it."
Duane Marshall of Long Beach wrote: "Some singles don't have business
cards. I suggest a personal card with name, phone number and e-mail
address." Duane's idea is a good one. A personal or name card should make
it easy for a person to get a message to you, without disclosing where you
live or work.
Listing a first name only and the telephone number of an answering service
that screens calls accomplishes this.
William Mosconi of Anaheim liked the idea of handing
out a card if there's a hesitation on the other person's part. "That gives
her a chance to make a decision later without any pressure."
Bruce Boycks of Laguna Beach took advantage of a recent
"outside occurrence" to meet a nice woman. Traffic on the 55 Freeway came
to a halt when a propane truck overturned. Bruce called his computer-savvy
friend John Warren in San Clemente, who checked the traffic
situation on the 55 and told Bruce that he and everybody else would be
stuck for a long while. So Bruce walked among the cars and related to
drivers what he knew.
"There were quite a few great women there. I wound up chatting with one
for a while, eventually getting her card. Always make the best of things!"
Mary of La Jolla suggested women should notice something unusual or
attractive about men and then make a comment.
Mary said: "Any question for help - an opinion or directions - to strike
up a conversation. The worst that can happen is a flat no; the best is the
beginning of friendship."
John Chaffetz of Dana Point said he's used a technique
for many years that works every time. "I'd write out a note - on a napkin
works well in restaurants, airplanes, etc. - with a simple statement.
Something like, 'You caught my eye and I think it would be fun if I could
buy you a drink or a cup of coffee.'
"Under that message, I gave the recipient multiple choices, with a box on
the left of each choice for her to check off her answer. It's important
that the wording not be threatening, but provide the answer to the most
important question: Is she single?"
John listed the choices from which for her to choose: Great idea; sorry,
my boyfriend/husband wouldn't understand; this isn't the right time, but
give me your number and I'll call you; bad idea; other. If John delivers
the note himself, he says, "Here's a secret message." In some cases, he's
asked a food server, bartender or flight attendant to give it to the woman
"Women never feel threatened and just about always respond," John said.
John's method works when one has the luxury of time - on an airplane or at
a sporting event, for example.
I met a woman at an Angels baseball game, where she sang the national
anthem. Afterward, when she was seated a few rows from me, I slipped her a
note asking, "Do you sing at weddings? If so, give me a card."
I called her the next day and took her out on a date. That was years ago
and we're still pals.
John's method works only when there's time to write a message.
To overcome the awkwardness of approaching a stranger, keep these points
in mind:
If you don't strike when opportunity knocks, your chances of meeting that
person will likely be gone forever.
Rehearse what you're going to say ahead of time so that it's automatic for
you - call it your coffee speech - stated in 20 seconds or less. Then,
there's no sweaty palms wondering what you're going to say, or no stupid
lines.
Have name cards printed and carry them with you at all times.
Let us know how these and other techniques have worked for you.
Reader Comments
Jane Acuna,
Huntington Beach: "Do you have a list of
groups or organizations where a single friend of mine might be able to
meet or mingle with others her age (42) or older?"
Response: It depends on your friend's interests. I recommend she sign up
for my free weekly columns by e-mail. In them, I often include places for
singles to go. All she has to do is e-mail me. Eileen Ganong, San Clemente:
"I've been widowed for eight years. Being alone was not the worst thing in
the world. Being miserable in a relationship is. I learned that I needed
to make myself happy and that is not a job I could expect another person
to fill."
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